This is a poem I wrote for my poem’s class that I just started. It’s suppose to be referencing a childhood memory.
A pinch and a punch greeted me at the door.
I didn’t care this time.
The winter wind pushed them away.
They couldn’t take away the joy.
I could still feel the fun and giggles washing over me.
Four whole hours of peace
no torment dressed as children to be found.
I entered my house.
My stepmother’s house.
The glow of those wonderful hours
dispelled the darkness in the corners.
I walked up the stairs to see my stepmother standing
arms folded, blocking my path.
The look on her face.
The joy flittered away
I tried to reach out to it
to not let go.
My father sat at the table, head bowed low to the table.
The screaming started
whipping me this way and that.
On my father’s lap I sat
he didn’t mind my snow.
Drip, Drip, Drip was
the staccato beats to her war cry.
The familiar sense of fear, shame and chaos
wrapped around me.
I sat – as my father
making patterns from the swirls on the table.
It was pretty much over after Matt saw my car. There was a week of trying to decide what to do, none of which involved praying. At least not on my end. I was just waiting for his decision. I will admit to some inappropriate behavior during that week to two weeks, but Matt wouldn’t go much past second base without leaving his wife. At the end of the week, he called me at work. He said he was going to leave his wife and asked if I would still respect him. I broke down crying hysterically not sure what to do as it was now on me.
As a side note, now 15 years later, we’ve been reading, “How to Hug A Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” by Dr. John Lewis Lund. Matt was thinking out loud how things might have been different if he knew how to handle his first wife. Maybe if he had known and tried to do the things in the book, they would still be together. That didn’t make me feel bad at all. I wondered the same thing as I was reading it.
Anyway, back to the story. The job I was in was a cubicle world so everyone heard me breakdown. I didn’t even care. I called my mother and she only said, “I’ll love you no matter what.” I called a close friend and she only said, “I wish I was in your place, but don’t do it, it will ruin your life.” That sent conflicting messages. Really what it boiled down to was I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway.
I called Matt and told him I would be with him if he left his wife. Either that night or the next he sat down with her and told her it was over. He was leaving her and moving in with me. He left everything to her except his guitar, pillow and clothes. He closed his business and sold his equipment, giving her all of the proceeds. We both left the church. We weren’t asked to, but why make them ask us.
All of our friends, were no longer our friends. We received lots of condemning letters. Most of them deserved. The hardest letter to receive was the one from my pastor. He had always said, I was the most honest person he knew. He felt betrayed. That letter broke my heart. Mainly because I knew I had broken his. I told only one friend face to face and huge crocodile tears rolled out her big blue eyes. It’s making me cry even now. Everyone thought we were having an affair for a while and planned it. But it was literally a matter of 1 to 2 weeks. We were selfish and hurtful and to this day I wish we had done things differently. Even if only to have Matt leave his wife due to a toxic personality and live on his own for a year or so. So as to not hurt so many people.
But God has redeemed this as he has everything else. I’m just heartbroken that his redemption was the bloodied welted stripes on his back and the nails in his hands.
More story to come.
I really don’t know how to do this next part and still have people continue to read, but I’ll give it a shot.
I went into a little grocery store to see if I could use their phone. They let me use it and I called my future husband, Matt’s house to see if he or his wife at the time could come get me as they lived very close to where I crashed. They came and got me and took me home. My insurance covered a rental car while they determined what they were going to do with my wrecked car. I went to the doctor’s office the next day and he touched my back and asked me if it hurt. I told him it hurt a little. He said he was barely touching me and the next day my back would hurt terribly. He put me on some drugs and sent me home.
When Matt’s wife found out I was on drugs, she refused to let me drive. She took my keys away and made Matt drive me to work everyday and pick me up. Matt was not happy about that. He didn’t want to drive someone around. He had his own business and time was money, but he didn’t cross his wife, so he did it.
Then one little request of mine changed both of our worlds drastically. I asked them to go to my wrecked car on their way to my house and grab a few things from it as the insurance company had totaled it.
When Matt and his wife came to my house, Matt threw open the door and rushed in and held me and wouldn’t let go. It got very awkward with his wife right there. He didn’t realize how bad the accident had been and how blessed I was to had just bought a new car a few months before with an airbag. The front end of my car was crunched in dramatically and my windshield was smashed out by the airbags.
Matt completely lost it when he saw the car. He realized he was in love with me. He realized life was so short and he was extremely unhappy with it so far. He didn’t take those thoughts to God though and when he started to make it known how he felt, I didn’t tell him no or direct him back to God either.
Relax, float on the river
Love is calling
fear is falling down to the depth
Help me! I reach out my hand.
Afraid it will not be met
I feel the firm grasp of his hand
God is real, anxiety is not.
Lies, lies and more lies
tied me in knots.
God is real, anxiety is not.