I was struggling with eating and reading once again. I talked to myself.
“You don’t have to do this anymore. You can look at what you are scared of head-on and it won’t kill you. You do not have to numb yourself against pain or fear. You know this. Okay, what is giving you stress?”
I started focusing on my breathing to bring myself back to the present moment. A small little voice started speaking to me. It got louder as the thought materialized in my head.
“You can’t make me.”
It came up out from the depths of my gut. What is that? Where did that thought come from? I asked God and I heard,
“That is the little girl that wants to hide, that doesn’t want to feel and ultimately that you don’t want to let got of. She doesn’t want to fade into the background of your life. She is the abandoned child. She is the one without a father or mother or brother or sisters, but she is not who you are now. You are loved. You are loved by your children. You are loved by your husband. Your father, mother and siblings are there for you. You are not the lonely abandoned daughter. That is not your identity any longer.
I thought about that all day. A few nights after that, I had a dream. I went upstairs and in my bed there were two versions of myself. A tiny baby and a child around six years old. I woke the baby up and she got off the bed and started walking down the hallway. As she walked away she grew and by the time she turned the corner, her legs were fully form, but the rest of her body wasn’t done yet. I turned to the older version of myself. I woke her up and ran away. I didn’t want her to see me and get scared. It is scary looking at yourself. I woke up out of the dream going, “Whoa!”
I realize there is a part of me that doesn’t want to get better. I want to stay with what is familiar. I want the cushion of excuses. It scares me to shed the skin of lies and look at who I really am. What if I don’t like myself?
To Be Continued…
I love this song: Wake Me Up Inside by Evanescence