I’m Sorry.

Why is saying I’m sorry so difficult to say. Not just when we’ve done something wrong, but when a group we represent or identify with does something wrong. Jesus set the example by taking on the sins of the world. He was effectively saying a huge, I’m sorry, on our behalf to the Father.

What is wrong with apologizing to someone on behalf of someone else? I’m sorry some of my ancestors treated other people like livestock. The English side. “I’m sorry we stole fathers, mothers, sons and daughters and sold them like animals. I’m sorry we captured, beat and wounded generations of humans and still called ourselves humans. I’m sorry for all the times I personally have behaved in a racist way without even being aware. I’m sorry nine people were killed and others injured at the hands of ignorance and hate.”

For the German side that helped an evil dictator exterminate six million Jews. “I’m sorry my ancestors did not try enough to protest, stop or hinder the slaughter of six million Jews and others who were deemed less than. I’m sorry we dehumanized you because of your heritage or ethnic background.”

There is something freeing about repenting on behalf of someone else. Like apologizing to someone who has been misunderstood or mistreated by Christians. Grabbing their hands, looking them in the eyes and saying, “I’m so sorry the Church mistreated you, misunderstood you, and didn’t love you as Jesus loves. I’m sorry you came to church for love and were shown hate.”

Even repenting on behalf of all women to a man who has been rejected time and time again. “I’m sorry we have not recognized or cherished your kindness, your big heart, and your eagerness to please. I’m sorry you have made yourself vulnerable only to be stepped on time and time again.”

I’ve learned through my experiences, how freeing it is for the person apologizing and the person receiving the apology. There is a cleansing, which takes place, which cannot be described, but must be experienced.

Try it. Humble yourself and apologize either for your own actions or the actions of others you represent.

It is amazing. It is healing. It is divine.


Salvation Story not Shame Story

I’ve been going through a stressful time. I’m in limbo land, which is my very least favorite place to be. I’d rather know either way about something. I let it affect my health. I clearly have not been trusting God as I should. Instead of drawing close to God once I recognized this, I went further the other way and went to my place of escape – books and eating. Why would I do that? After a couple weeks of this, today, I got fed up. Or maybe God just got on his mega phone and said, “Hello!” Either way, I decided to finally investigate why I do this. Why I hide from God when I get to a certain stress level.

One reason I discovered was I turned God into one more thing I have to do in a day to feel as though I’ve done enough – to feel as though I’m good enough. God is not a thing to cross off my to do list. God is not that monthly phone call I make to a relative that I don’t want to call, but know I must so I will be considered a good daughter, niece, or grandchild. God is in me. His throne room is a place of refuge that is only a thought or a thought of a thought away. When I think of God in us, the word tesseract comes to mind. I found this image online. I believe this is a good image of God in us and us in God. Tesseract image

Another reason that came to mind was there was something I was placing between myself and God. I asked what it was and the word shame come up once again. I asked myself what was my first shameful thought – something I had control over. A thought came to mind. I asked God to forgive me for what I did. I then had this picture of the deed going up in flames. I felt I was suppose to write down what I did and burn it. I did a poor job of burning it as I dropped it into a wet sink before it really burned, but I got the picture. I saw the ash. I watched the water wash over the ash. I watched the ash disintegrate before it even got to the drain.

The shame does not stand in the way of God and I. It no longer exists. I am clean. When and if the memory comes back, it is seen through the eyes of one who is forgiven. Like I did something wrong and was going to prison, only to have the judge set me free with the deed completely expunged from my record because someone else paid the price for me. It is something I can look back on and say, “Thank you God for taking the punishment on yourself and completely wiping the stain off me.” It is a memory of relief and thanksgiving.

My past is my salvation story not my shame story.

Forever Reign by Austin Stone


“God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19

I let fear get in my way this week. I wanted something and worried about it so badly, I caused myself bodily harm with the stress of not giving it over to God. I started collapsing into my own little world of worry, doubt and fear instead of resting in His promises.

Why are you depressed, O my soul? Why are you upset? Wait for God! For I will again give thanks to my God for his saving intervention. Ps. 42:5, Netbible

I again reverted to my gut reaction, which is, “No one will be there for me. I am alone. I am the only person who will take care of me.”

Yesterday morning I woke up to a huge rainbow in the sky. Anyone from California understands how rare rainbows are without rain. There must of been some kind of moisture because the rainbow was beautiful. I was so caught up in my mind with worry, that I didn’t see the significance. It took most of the day to remember the rainbow – I’m not alone.

God is not like my human parents, who because they were wounded themselves, wounded me. He is not going to leave me alone when I need him most. He wants to know us and he wants us to know him.

Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” John 17:3

He died so we could enter into the Godhead directly. He died so we would never have to be alone again. He died and was resurrected to give us full access to his glory.

I had forgotten all of this during the week. I’m so thankful he reminded me and took the time to speak to me. I have peace again. God is such a lover of our souls. I’m overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave

Peace is There. Don’t Give up.

Today, I went for a walk with my friend. I went to Trader Joe’s (I can’t eat food without Cowboy Caviar), Kohl’s,  a gas station and a donut shop (happy Doughnut Day). I made sure my daughter did her schoolwork and I took her to rehearsal. I did some work and started dinner. These are all everyday things, but something was different today.

I told my husband something felt different. I told him I didn’t know what it was, but it felt nice. I then realized the humming was gone. All my life there has been this buzzing or humming in my body. I have a hard time sitting still. I always need to do something. Even the thought of sitting quietly and meditating can drive me crazy. Today the hum is gone and I realize what I am feeling is peace. Peace and Quiet.

I’ve been struggling with this whole eating addiction/escapism for the last month or so. I feel like I have gone backwards, but at the same time, when I lift my head from whatever escape route I am taking (Yahoo news, Facebook, reading anything at all), the Presence is there – in a big way. The Presence is the Holy Spirit.

It is like he is contending for me. He’s willing to compete with all the distractions. He is pursuing me. The Creator of the Universe is pursuing, me! I don’t even know how to take that. Right now, I’m just sitting here, writing my blog and there is peace and the Presence.

A couple months ago as I was drifting to sleep, God showed me a secret place where I can meet with him in my mind. It is a room full of drapery the color of the green ocean. I can walk through it and talk to God there. It feels like God is walking in the garden in the cool of the day to come visit me. It’s like the DC Talk Song Mind’s Eye. It is amazing.

I was in a coffee house the other day with three other women. We were catching up. I started hearing the condemning voice in my mind from my childhood. All of a sudden, in my mind, I was transported to what I think was the throne room of God. I couldn’t see anything around me really, but this emerald lake or river. I could walk on top of it. It splashed a little as I walked. I was wearing a robe or dress with long sleeves like royalty. Every step I took was powerful and full of authority. I believe I was seeing myself as God sees me. I have added this as another place to visit with God.

All this to say, it may seem like we are not moving at all in our walk with God or we are moving at a very slow pace. But each small step, each reaching out even the tiniest bit to God, can have such amazing results.

Don’t give up. You have grown more than you know and God is right there reaching his hand out to pull you even further towards Him and his glory.

We Were Made for Love

I was taught loving myself was bad. You can love others and you have to love God, but never yourself. When I was ten, I moved in with my mother. I was then basically an only child. A few years later, my mother was divorced and it was just her and I. There began to be a role reversal. I was the one who house hunted when we needed to move. At twelve, I would call the landlord, get all the info and then when it sounded good, have them talk to my mother. I began to feel the thing called entitlement that we bemoan of the younger generation. I thought about this. Those my age are constantly speaking of this next generation as entitled. I use to think this meant they loved themselves too much, but that’s not the case.

I began to think about it. This is a generalization, but this generation and even my generation to some degree have been:

Spoiled but rejected

Privileged but unloved

Sexy but filled with self-hate

Loving ones self is not about having the latest brands or being selfish. It is looking in the mirror and seeing yourself a little lower than the angels. (Ps. 8:5, NIVHeb. 2:7). It is realizing the Creator, God, died for you. It is behaving in the knowledge, you are royalty.

I began to think about how I could show love for myself. I came up with a very short list, but I think it says a lot.

1. Taking time for myself. I’m worth loving. (Jesus thought so.)

2. Loving my body. Asking myself before making a choice, “Is this loving my body? Is this letting myself live instead of burying in escapism through food and mind numbing activities?”

3. Is this activity reflecting the breath of God in me? (Gen. 2:7)  Am I truly living?

We were made for Love.

Love this song. I’m a Lover of Your Presence song by Kim Walker.