I was worshipping today. I have the privledge to work for a church and our staff meeting today was a time of worship. God chose this moment to open a seed, which had been planted long ago. This little time of worship peeled back the hard shell and allowed the plant within the seed to quickly grow from a seedling to a beautiful tree with many branches. God showed me this seed had been planted in deep soil that my on and off again times with God had kept nourished until this very minute.
The seedling manifested itself by way of a softening heart toward my mother. God gave me the ability to see her how God sees her. Specifically, he showed me her heart of worship. This is the seed that she passed on to me. I felt an increased joy and heart of worship in that moment. I have always loved worship, but I felt like that was nothing compared to how I felt in this moment. I knew this was my mother’s heart toward worship. I saw how beautiful my mother truly is and how beautiful her heart is. Even as she loses the battle with her mind to dementia, I felt God show me how she looks to him even now, and more importantly how she will look to him in eternity. She gets to do her favorite thing for all of eternity and it made me burst with tears of thankfulness. Thankfulness for her beauty and joy as she gives glory to God – her favorite thing to do.
All of this in the span of an hour of worship.
Feeling disconnected, how did I even get here? Just two weeks ago, I was getting close to feeling alive and part of the world. I did have a “trauma” last week. Why does fear do this. It should draw me closer. I think I disconnect from life itself when I’m afraid. I don’t even know it until the fear diminishes and I feel safe. I should say I feel less scared. I don’t know if I ever feel totally safe, but I do get some space around me, and I no longer feel the breath of danger on my neck.
oceanwrite 