I haven’t posted in a while, because I haven’t had anything profound to share, plus I’ve been on a little downward spiral in the midst of God showing up, which is confusing. I’m still not in the profound arena, but wanted to share what has been going on.
My husband finished school and now has a MFA in Motion Pictures and Television. Yea! He obtained a job before he was even done with school. He works from home and makes enough to pay for rent and a few other things. Yea! I got hired in at my job full-time with benefits and work part-time from home. Yea! Okay, all good things here. God has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams. So what’s the problem?
I have found myself emotionally eating and reading, which I know is very bad for me and a sin for me. I have found myself hiding into books, which isn’t so bad if it’s a chapter or two, but that isn’t the case for me. What is going on?
My husband has a large amount of financial aid debt coming due in November. I know some of it will be reduce based on income, but not all of it. I have been hiding because I don’t want to face it. I was asking God what my problem was with the eating and the hiding from life when he is clearly blessing us. He came back at me with a question:
“Why do you think I’ll abandon you?”
It made me think. I live my life as a dichotomy. I don’t like safety nets, but I am always fighting a lack of trust in God. He always comes through. When we moved to California, we took our tax refund, packed up whatever belongings could fit into a 6X6X9 pod and moved out here. Even selling the house was all God. When we came out here, we had enough money for a room to rent for a week and a half. We needed to find an apartment and a job within that week and a half. Within three days, God provided a job and an apartment on the very last day. No safety nets.
This whole last seven years has been my husband going to school for his bachelor’s and master’s degree on mostly college loans. There has been no safety net on if Matt will get a good enough job to pay back the loans. So this one thing, provision, is what is putting me into hiding. God has always been there for me since I was a child. I have always talked to him and he has always come through, which I think encourages me to dislike safety nets or maybe think of God as my safety net. But there is something that still wonders if this time he will be there or if he will just watch me fall.
I know that is wrong thinking. I know he will be there to provide as he is already doing. Matt has a job in both animation and editing, which is what he went to school for. He is able to stay home, which is what he has always dreamed of. We have this beautiful view of the ocean that I never dreamed was possible – for a price no one would believe. We live in such a gorgeous and fun state, where we can just step outside our door and minister to the nations.
So now that I know the problem is a lack of trust. I am going to concentrating on enjoying the ride/journey God has me on. I’m going to watch him provide. He knows I love that feeling of going over that first big hill of the roller coaster, where all you can do is scream your guts out as you fall 200 feet. He knows me and his will for me better than I do and He is good.
Get ready to dance! You are Good by Brian Johnson
Ps. 136 is amazing!
Part II in this discussion with God coming soon – Surrendering.