Become Like a Child

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I caught myself going numb again. There were some things going on which were causing me pain and anxiety. I caught myself feeling nothing. I didn’t quite know how to get out of the pit or void I was in. So I prayed. Later that day I needed help with school and asked God. Immediately guilt tried to invade. If I’m not feeling love and not doing the religious disciplines then what right do I have to ask God for anything. The little Facebook sayings came to mind, “Today I’m just going to thank you and not ask for anything.”

While am worshipping more to get back to feeling, there was something a little off with the thought. The verse Matthew 18:3 came to mind, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” I heard God say to me, “Ask, ask and ask some more. I want you to rest in me. I want you to trust me and not feel the weight of your anxiety on your shoulders.”

He was speaking to my thought life. I have a habit of taking a problem and turning it around in my mind, constantly, regardless of what I’m doing. Along with that is the anxious thought, “I have to fix it. I have to come up with the solution.” But what I’m hearing from God is to first lay the anxiety on him, second ask for wisdom and third feel the Spirit swirl around in my mind with me and listen for wisdom. That goes for every little thing. That is relationship. That is trust.

Nothing is too small. Ask, ask and ask some more.

I love the lyrics to this song. Trust in You – Lauren Daigle

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Change

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I’ve recently been confronted by change and healing. I’ve been confronted by the reality of doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Healing can only come with change. I always wondered why Jesus asked people what they wanted before he healed them of their obvious problems. He was asking, do you want to be healed, do you want to become who you were created to be or do you want to continue in this circle of woundedness, which gives us excuses to remain the same.

It takes courage to change. It takes courage to no longer identify with woundedness. It takes Spirit to step away from the complaining unchanged masses and walk in the light of truth. When we do let go of what we know and step into something new, it’s as if this vault of doors opens into a whole world of opportunities.

It was hard for me to see the truth of not wanting to change. I thought I was the queen of change, but God showed me there was a change I was not okay with and that was the change of my identity. I love physical change and I love the rush as I watch God do his thing in change, but the change of my identity scared me. I identified with woundedness, shame and a bad upbringing. I carried those scars with pride. But God wants me to be willing to identify with wholeness. He wants me to become the new creation he died to give me. I am a new. That is the truth and however scary it is to walk that out, I’m going to do it. My spirit needs a change of scenery. I will let go and step into the deep.

“Anchor” Bethel Music Live

Hillsong United “Oceans”

Bipolar Christianity

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Someone in my family was talking to me about how they hate when they go from a spiritual peak to a dark valley. They are pursuing God one minute and then it tapers off and they go back to pursuing escapism.

I have often felt that way. I have also wondered why. I woke up this morning instantly thinking about how crazy it was to live in escapism, just waiting to die, when I have access to Jesus all the time. Why would I choose escapism? It didn’t make sense. It seemed to me that it was like being in a magic spell. It was a twisted sense of reality. I was led to a book I’ve had for a while, but hadn’t read much of. It was talking about making yourself vulnerable to God instead of fear. I prayed about why I made myself vulnerable to escapism instead of God. It came to me by my repeating the word vulnerable.

If I make myself vulnerable to God, it opens the door for him to reject me. It makes abandonment by God a possibility. I have learned, growing up, that those closest to you will hurt and abandon you. If I become too close to God, he will do the same thing. He can only keep up the pretense of liking me for so long.

Sounds crazy, but it is an actual subconscious thought pattern God showed me I had. I have to be brave and allow myself to be vulnerable to God. I have to trust him everyday so he can show me everyday that he’s trustworthy. He wants to show me everyday. He never gets tired of showing me he is not of this world. His ways are higher than ours. I Need You More

Mercy

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God is taking me through a faith building time. He is encouraging me to ask for what I need instead of worry about it. We all know this is harder than it sounds. He is also showing me his mercy. In the past I’ve made a mistake and then felt I had to deal with the consequences, but lately he’s been showing me to expect mercy. Not to purposefully do something bad and then look for the mercy, but to not be so hard on myself as I grow and learn through my weaknesses. He is helping me in my areas of weaknesses and he is so merciful in the learning and maturing. One weakness I have is anxiety instead of peace. Some people think I’m a very peaceful person and I think that is my true identity in Christ. But through genetics and life circumstances, I have to fight anxiety every day. A strong imagination with a negative slant does not help matters. So over the last six months, I’ve been concentrating on giving my anxiety to Him, silencing the “what if” questions in my mind and making sure I’m staying positive – mentally placing myself in the Father’s arms.

I may have blogged about this instance in an earlier post, but I remember one time I fainted while in school and the principal carried me out to my step-mom’s car. I was about ten. It was the most amazing experience. I had never felt safe and secure before this event and even though it only lasted about five minutes, it stayed with me my whole life. I’ve been bringing that image back to my mind when I’m anxious. It helps remind me of the truth; which is, I am safe in my Father’s arms. I love this song. I’ve tasted the riches of God. What other King leaves his glory to die? This is Amazing Grace by Jeremy Riddle

Mercy Triumphs over Judgement

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This is in response to some posts I’ve been seeing about those who will not apologize. This hurts my spirit. I’m guessing because it hurts the Holy Spirit who resides in each of us who call themselves Christ followers.

“…the greatest of these is love.” I Cor. 13:13

I apologize for those who loved you less because you were gay.

I apologize for those who called themselves Christians, who not only disrespected your beliefs, but also loved you less because of them.

I apologize for living in white privilege without speaking out.

I apologize to those who have lost family members to guns.

I apologize for those who think they have not discriminated, but do so everyday without even knowing it.

Jesus sacrificed (apologized) to the Father for all the sins that would ever exist even though he committed none of them. He apologized to the Father for all the hate crimes committed to any race for any reason even those committed in His name.

I John 2:1 “My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father–Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.”

James 2:13 “…mercy triumphs over judgement.”

On that note, this video is amazing. Mercy Triumphs over Judgement Song

A Sign of Freedom

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I used to see surrender as a sign of defeat, but it is really a sign of freedom. I’ve been in the habit these past few weeks of giving my anxiety and hurts over to God. I imagine my pain in the form of a writhing worm inside a box. I hand the box over to God and release the anxiety and hurt back to him. I surrender it. The feeling of peace I have after that is amazing.

I started reading a book that’s been around for a few years called Loving our Kids on Purpose, by Danny Silk. I’ve only read Danny’s quotes on Facebook before this book. Our youngest is 15 and our other two are adults so it may seem too late to read this book, but I have learned so much from it. I have learned things I can still pass on to my children and hopefully help them with their own children. But mostly, I’ve learned things about how I relate to God. I’ve learned things about freedom – how important freedom is to the Father and how freedom and relationship works together.

This quote woke me up to God and freedom:

Speaking about Adam and Eve: “Without the option of making a poor choice in that environment, they would not have been free….This story show us the importance of freedom to our loving Father. Without freedom to reject Him, we are powerless to choose Him. Obedience is a choice.”

This got me thinking about choices. I have freedom from God to make choices – good or bad – because of the Cross. I am not powerless. That is a lie from the enemy. I can choose the way of peace. I can choose the way of freedom. I am not trapped in an unhealthy body. I am not trapped in anxiety or fear. I have the freedom to choose to believe the truth and reject the lies.

I love this Bethel song: Freedom

Freedom is ours and we walk it out with every choice we make.

I Don’t Like Safety Nets.

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Hi all,

I haven’t posted in a while, because I haven’t had anything profound to share, plus I’ve been on a little downward spiral in the midst of God showing up, which is confusing. I’m still not in the profound arena, but wanted to share what has been going on.

My husband finished school and now has a MFA in Motion Pictures and Television. Yea! He obtained a job before he was even done with school. He works from home and makes enough to pay for rent and a few other things. Yea! I got hired in at my job full-time with benefits and work part-time from home. Yea! Okay, all good things here. God has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams. So what’s the problem?

I have found myself emotionally eating and reading, which I know is very bad for me and a sin for me. I have found myself hiding into books, which isn’t so bad if it’s a chapter or two, but that isn’t the case for me. What is going on?

My husband has a large amount of financial aid debt coming due in November. I know some of it will be reduce based on income, but not all of it. I have been hiding because I don’t want to face it. I was asking God what my problem was with the eating and the hiding from life when he is clearly blessing us. He came back at me with a question:

“Why do you think I’ll abandon you?”

It made me think. I live my life as a dichotomy. I don’t like safety nets, but I am always fighting a lack of trust in God. He always comes through. When we moved to California, we took our tax refund, packed up whatever belongings could fit into a 6X6X9 pod and moved out here. Even selling the house was all God. When we came out here, we had enough money for a room to rent for a week and a half. We needed to find an apartment and a job within that week and a half. Within three days, God provided a job and an apartment on the very last day. No safety nets.

This whole last seven years has been my husband going to school for his bachelor’s and master’s degree on mostly college loans. There has been no safety net on if Matt will get a good enough job to pay back the loans. So this one thing, provision, is what is putting me into hiding. God has always been there for me since I was a child. I have always talked to him and he has always come through, which I think encourages me to dislike safety nets or maybe think of God as my safety net. But there is something that still wonders if this time he will be there or if he will just watch me fall.

I know that is wrong thinking. I know he will be there to provide as he is already doing. Matt has a job in both animation and editing, which is what he went to school for. He is able to stay home, which is what he has always dreamed of. We have this beautiful view of the ocean that I never dreamed was possible – for a price no one would believe. We live in such a gorgeous and fun state, where we can just step outside our door and minister to the nations.

So now that I know the problem is a lack of trust. I am going to concentrating on enjoying the ride/journey God has me on. I’m going to watch him provide. He knows I love that feeling of going over that first big hill of the roller coaster, where all you can do is scream your guts out as you fall 200 feet. He knows me and his will for me better than I do and He is good.

Get ready to dance! You are Good by Brian Johnson

Ps. 136 is amazing!

Part II in this discussion with God coming soon – Surrendering. 

Snack Food

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A while back I asked God for more hunger for his Word and Him. I have to do this on a regular basis as I’m prone to get too “busy” for God.

The first thing I noticed was the quotes you see all over Facebook didn’t give me shock and awe anymore. This great minister or that great guru did not pull me in. Nor did I feel the need to share them – not even the single scripture verse that magically shows up in my Facebook feed. I felt bad about this at first, like something was wrong with me. I also noticed a longing for the Word of God. A longing to pick up the actual Bible and read it. That hunger is such a great feeling.

I asked God about what was going on and he said man can not live on snack foods alone (My kids would beg to differ). I had fallen into the trap of reading all the quotes on Facebook and reading this great book and that great book instead of The Great Book. I fell into the trap of picking a single verse out instead of really feeding on the Word. Not that a single verse to meditate on is bad, but it just wasn’t doing it for me anymore.

A few days ago I read in John where Mary was looking for Jesus. She couldn’t find him in the tomb. The disciples came and looked too, but couldn’t find him and went back to the place where they were staying. She stayed  and kept looking for him – crying and seeking. Jesus came to her first. He showed himself to the eleven eventually, but Jesus took time to see Mary before even the Father. I am astounded by that. I’m not exactly sure what he was doing between the time he was crucified and the third day, I’ll let the theologians work that out, but he was on his way to the Father and made a pit stop to comfort Mary.

He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).

Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ ”

I really want to be Mary instead of who I’ve been. I’ve been the person who lets the cares of this world keep me from producing fruit.

I love this song. Hungry (Falling on My Knees) by Joy Williams

Limits can sometimes be good.

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I was telling a friend of mine that I’m working full-time now so I’m going to take a break from school this semester. I’m going to tell my students I tutor that I’m going to stop tutoring after this semester. I’ll go back to school in the Spring when I’m done tutoring. My friend said, “Oh, so you actually have limits?” He knows me well. This confirmed what God has been telling me.

I have limits.

It has taken me forty-four years to realize this. I cannot do it all. I always thought I could, but looking back I realize right when I was at my craziest, my body or mind broke and forced me to take a break.

God is showing me a pattern in my life. I can feel it ramping up to the breaking point again, but this time God is waking me up to it and I am starting to remove some things – things that seem urgent and necessary, but are not.

When I was a single parent, I had two or three jobs, two little boys and I wanted to hang out with my friends. I wanted it all. I thought sleep was for the other humans. Then one day, I got into an accident and my body forced me to take a break.

After I was married and had my third child, I thought I could work 60 or more hours in a very stressful job with a high burnout rate, take care of my family and marriage, but not take care of myself. I always came last. My body told me differently and I was on bed rest for three months plus back surgery.

Later, I worked a job that was toxic for me, but I felt I had to continue. I did not take care of myself. I ended up in emergency twice and was put on blood pressure meds. It woke me up and I started taking care of myself. I was completely off the meds in three months.

Now I feel it happening again. I’m working full-time, which is great! But I cannot also go to school part-time, homeschool my daughter and tutor other children. I told myself, “You can make it work.” But God is waking me up to the fact that I can’t. I see myself neglecting my body again. It is giving out warning signals. I feel distant from God.

I have limits.

I’m so thankful, he is helping me realize my limits. I am asking him for wisdom on what I can and cannot do. He created me so he knows what my limits are. He is giving me good insights and I feel hopeful.

Here is a sweet song. God Speaking by Mandisa

Thankful

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Matthew 6:34 has always bugged me. I know this is not what Christians are suppose to say, but it does.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (NIV)

It seems like a downer to me. It doesn’t always bug me. Sometimes it speaks to me. Sometimes there is so much going on I have to focus on what has to be done in a given day and not think about all which has to be done tomorrow. But I don’t want it to be this way everyday. I want a better way. I talked to God about it and the thought came to mind,

“Think about what you have to be thankful for today instead of what you have to be anxious about tomorrow.”

This thought from God spoke to me. I have been so anxious because of something I’m in limbo land about. I don’t know if what I want is going to happen and I’ve been playing the waiting game. The what ifs have been having a field day in my mind. What if I have been waiting all this time for a no answer from God. So many different what ifs. And then there’s the conversations with people in my mind. Does anyone else do that? Have complete conversations in your head based on what people might say? Those are such a waste of time.

I started practicing this idea of listing what I have to be thankful for today instead of thinking about what I have to be anxious about in the future. I felt such a load lift off me and everything looked and felt lighter. I know we’ve all heard “count your blessing,” but it was such a great reminder for me. God is a good God and loves to speak to us. He loves to switch our perspective.

Just wanted to share this song because I love it by Tatum Yonts. It’s called Judgen and it has nothing to do with this post, but as I said, I love it.