Someone in my family was talking to me about how they hate when they go from a spiritual peak to a dark valley. They are pursuing God one minute and then it tapers off and they go back to pursuing escapism.
I have often felt that way. I have also wondered why. I woke up this morning instantly thinking about how crazy it was to live in escapism, just waiting to die, when I have access to Jesus all the time. Why would I choose escapism? It didn’t make sense. It seemed to me that it was like being in a magic spell. It was a twisted sense of reality. I was led to a book I’ve had for a while, but hadn’t read much of. It was talking about making yourself vulnerable to God instead of fear. I prayed about why I made myself vulnerable to escapism instead of God. It came to me by my repeating the word vulnerable.
If I make myself vulnerable to God, it opens the door for him to reject me. It makes abandonment by God a possibility. I have learned, growing up, that those closest to you will hurt and abandon you. If I become too close to God, he will do the same thing. He can only keep up the pretense of liking me for so long.
Sounds crazy, but it is an actual subconscious thought pattern God showed me I had. I have to be brave and allow myself to be vulnerable to God. I have to trust him everyday so he can show me everyday that he’s trustworthy. He wants to show me everyday. He never gets tired of showing me he is not of this world. His ways are higher than ours. I Need You More
Am I bipolar?
I seriously asked myself this question. It is in my family. It would not be unheard of. The reason for this question is my stop and go motion in my walk with God and towards emotional and spiritual maturity. I get a revelation and I go forth with a burst of speed. Then things tend to wind down and I fall back into some old ways.
I prayed about it and asked God if I was bipolar. I listened to what He had to say. I knew he wouldn’t pull any punches with me as he never has in the past. I believe bipolar is a real medical condition and not demonic or something a person just has to get over.
I felt like he told me I am not bipolar. What happens is I let my gut reaction take control. My gut reaction is abandonment. I feel I will be abandon by Him eventually because he will finally see me for who I am. He will give up on me since I’m not changing fast enough. I give up hope.
Hope is necessary for just about anything. Why work on wholeness if there is no hope of it ever happening. I googled hope and two definitions came up. 1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. 2. (archaic) a feeling of trust.
If I don’t have the expectation that I can and will become whole, I won’t. I also saw that my lack of hope is a lack of trust. Hebrews 11 and 12 are such awesome chapters on hope and trust. Jesus said he would never leave me or forsake me. I have nothing to fear. But do I believe that? Do I believe he is good?
“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”(Mark 9:24)
This is an amazing song I like to listen to when I tire of my questions. When I just need to be still: We will not be Shaken by Bethel Music
I was struggling with eating and reading once again. I talked to myself.
“You don’t have to do this anymore. You can look at what you are scared of head-on and it won’t kill you. You do not have to numb yourself against pain or fear. You know this. Okay, what is giving you stress?”
I started focusing on my breathing to bring myself back to the present moment. A small little voice started speaking to me. It got louder as the thought materialized in my head.
“You can’t make me.”
It came up out from the depths of my gut. What is that? Where did that thought come from? I asked God and I heard,
“That is the little girl that wants to hide, that doesn’t want to feel and ultimately that you don’t want to let got of. She doesn’t want to fade into the background of your life. She is the abandoned child. She is the one without a father or mother or brother or sisters, but she is not who you are now. You are loved. You are loved by your children. You are loved by your husband. Your father, mother and siblings are there for you. You are not the lonely abandoned daughter. That is not your identity any longer.
I thought about that all day. A few nights after that, I had a dream. I went upstairs and in my bed there were two versions of myself. A tiny baby and a child around six years old. I woke the baby up and she got off the bed and started walking down the hallway. As she walked away she grew and by the time she turned the corner, her legs were fully form, but the rest of her body wasn’t done yet. I turned to the older version of myself. I woke her up and ran away. I didn’t want her to see me and get scared. It is scary looking at yourself. I woke up out of the dream going, “Whoa!”
I realize there is a part of me that doesn’t want to get better. I want to stay with what is familiar. I want the cushion of excuses. It scares me to shed the skin of lies and look at who I really am. What if I don’t like myself?
To Be Continued…
I love this song: Wake Me Up Inside by Evanescence