Tag Archives: Authority

Taking the Terrifying Plunge to Stop Dieting.

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A few weeks ago, I decided I would no longer diet. I would no longer call any food off limits. I was terrified. I knew I was going to blow up like a whale. As you know, I’m reading an awesome Geneen Roth book and this was some of what she talked about.

So I decided to try it. I was going to give it two weeks, knowing I’d gain about 10 pounds during that time. I decided to trust my body and eat what I wanted even though I didn’t feel my body could be trusted. It’s called mindful eating and it was liberating. I am no longer on a Gluten Free diet. I’m not allergic to wheat, there was no need. I can have ice-cream whenever I want. I can have anything whenever I want.

Here’s the kicker. Once I took away the restrictions, once I realized nothing was off limits, I didn’t want those things very often. If I do want them, one or two bites is plenty. I seriously can’t imagine eating more than one Ritz Cracker. That is all I need to get the yummy tastiness of it.

I still have days when I crave mindless eating. But these are signs of something else going on with me. I stop, feel myself breath and try to get still to see what’s going on. I feel. I pray. I am still.

Here is what I found out when I really stopped to taste my food.

1. I have been eating some bland food. Yuck! 2. I like my food super hot as in temperature – it gives me warm fuzzies. 3. I like my food spicy. 4. I don’t need a lot of food to feel full.

This last one was a shocker. If you know me, you know I can pack the food away. I can out eat my 6″ 2′ giant of a husband any day. (I’m 4″ 10′) It was truly amazing to myself and my husband how small of an amount of food could make me feel full when I took the time to actually taste it.

This mindful eating has made me realize how much of the time I’ve just been shoveling it in. I’ve been trying to fill the empty places with food instead being still and filling it with being alive and filling it with the Spirit.

To top it all off, I’ve actually lost a couple pounds!

I heard this wonderful song while going for my walk: You Make Me Come Alive.

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Feeling My Feelings

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I found out recently that my spiritual father died – Vern Seeley. I got to stay at their house one week during the summer and I officially accepted Jesus during that week. After that, things were a little less lonely. I did have God and I spoke to him as only a seven year old can about everything. God helped me get my 10,000 words in that no one else was interested in.

I’ve always loved God, but recently I’ve realized I felt abandoned and betrayed by my parents and God. It is a feeling I’ve never allowed myself to feel. I’ve alway stuffed it down guiltily.

As I stated in my last post, I’ve been reading Women Food and God. One of the things she tells you to do is question everything. Ask yourself what your body really wants. Does it want food or does it want sleep. Or do you really need to talk to someone. It was a revolution when I started asking myself what I wanted. I wondered why it was such ephoria for me to simply ask what I wanted. What does my body want? What is my body telling me? I’d never asked those questions before. I started feeling angry. Something was welling up inside of me and instead of stuffing it back down, I allowed it to bubble up and out.

What I heard myself say was, “Nobody ever asked me what I wanted.” I thought about that. No one, especially as a child, asked me what I wanted. My mother did not ask me if I wanted her to leave. My father did not ask me if it was okay that he checked out for a while. My sisters did not ask me if they could leave me and go live somewhere else. My brother did not ask me if he could ignore me. My father did not ask me if he could marry a woman and four children who were mean and took their own anger out on me. My mother did not consult me when she married an abusive husband and my only choice was to live with a step-mom and her mean children or live with just my mom and one abusive husband. I choose the later. My step-dad didn’t consult me when he decided it was against God to take food stamps, but God was okay with him not working. He didn’t ask if I minded never knowing where my next meal would come from. Most of all, God did not ask me if any of this was okay before he allowed it to happen. I know that hurting people, hurt people and I hold no ill will towards my family. I love them.

After allowing myself to feel and say these feelings that I’ve alway buried, the anger and betrayal seemed to bubble up and out and then drift away. There are small pockets still left, but I let them come up and then they go away. I have been living with those past feelings and stuffing them down only to realize I could feel them and let them go. They didn’t have to affect me. It’s okay to feel and once felt, it’s okay to let them go. They are the past and they can’t hurt me anymore.

It’s okay to feel the guilt and shame in realizing I did the same thing with my children. I made choices they might consider bad, without consulting them. I can feel that guilt and shame and then let it blow away along with the past. (Apologizing is a part of that.)

A friend of mine was asking me about the book I was reading. I told her a result of not stuffing my feelings was this concept of no one asking me as a child what I wanted or basically they didn’t ask me if they could wig out and leave me alone to fend for myself. She said, “Yea, but that’s how it always is.” I was taken aback for a second. I actually felt hurt. I didn’t know how to respond so I said, “that’s true, but I was realizing I was angry about it.” I thought back on why her statement hurt my feelings. I allowed my self to question and feel those hurt feelings instead of stuffing them like I normally would. I realized it felt like she was negating my feelings. Like she was negating my experience. Once I was able to name what I was feeling, I was able to feel it and let it go.

You know what song has to go here, right. Let it Go Sing-along. Enjoy and sing your heart out!

Elf

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I had a funny thought run through my mind today. I was thinking about God. I have been thinking how I want more authority in my life. It’s ridiculous to think how little we walk in the authority we have been given. Luke 10 –  power over all the enemy. I enjoy NLT version the best I think.

Why don’t I walk in the authority I’ve been given? Because I don’t know Jesus. I don’t know Spirit or the Father like I should. Immediately Elf ran through my mind like a video clip. There was Elf (Will Ferrell) finding out that Santa was coming to the store. He just starts screaming, “Santa’s coming, Santa’s coming. I know him! I know him!” He was so excited.

I thought, I want to be just like that. Okay, maybe not that obnoxious, but I want that kind of excitement and knowing beyond knowing of who God is. I need it to go down to my spirit, my core.

I’ve made some progress in this area, but the more I think about what Jesus made possible on the cross and resurrection, the more I know about God and actually know God, the more everyday things I get caught up in seem so petty.

All of the ways I use to cope, which do not involved God, seem so pointless. The times I have given to anxiety and what ifs are robbery. John 10:10, NLT ~ “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.”

I want to be Elf.