As I stated earlier, we decided to wait a year and then try again after my miscarriage. I could not take birth control because it messed with me too much emotionally. The first week after my period we didn’t bother with birth control because it shouldn’t be an issue. You know – The Rhythm Method. Well my body decided it was the perfect time to disregard the standard 28 days.
We went to hear my son’s first band recital in 6th grade. It was over and we were walking down the stands to leave. I felt that same weirdness I felt in Maine and knew what thousands of women have already found out that The Rhythm Method didn’t work. I told Matt that I was pregnant. He didn’t believe me. He said, “You’re not even a day late.”
I went and bought a test. “That’s just a waste of money.” Matt said.
Three minutes later, there were two lines staring up at me telling me I was pregnant. That began nine months of worry and anxiety. I was so afraid that something would happen to this baby. We went to hear the baby’s heart beat and the doctor could not find it. The doctor said, “We are not having any of this.” He reached in and pushed my uterus up and then found the baby’s heart beat. While this was very uncomfortable, especially since he didn’t warn me, I was happy to hear the baby’s heartbeat. He then sent me over to get an ultra sound. The technician found the baby, but the heart beat was very slow. They had me come back two weeks later to see what was happening. When we came back, everything was normal. I was grateful.
Throughout my pregnancy we kept trying to come up with names. I’ve always liked Pearl and I wanted that to be the middle name, but I couldn’t come up with a good first name. I really liked Victoria and so did Matt, but we didn’t want it to be shorted to Vickie. We kept tossing around names until finally, when I was in my seventh month, Matt called me at work. He said, “I’ve got it. We’ll name her Pearl Victoria. Do you know what that means?” He was getting choked up.
“It means precious victory.” I started crying.
That was perfect and I felt it was directly from God.
We moved in together. We always said if we could have gotten married that night we would have. That was an excuse of course. We should have done it correctly by living separately until we were married. It didn’t set the best example to my children who were ten and eight at the time. We did get married very shortly after Matt’s divorce was final. During that first year, we got to know each other. I had to learn to live with someone as I had been a single parent for a long time. The kids had to learn how to live with a dad. My oldest was use to doing basically what he wanted. I wasn’t a very good disciplinarian. After Matt was divorced and before we got married – about a month apart – I asked him if he wanted to get married. I mean he had been married for eight years and was about to jump right into another marriage. He said he very definitely wanted to get married. We got married in front of the Justice of the Peace with only my boys and our mothers in attendance.
About a year and a half after we got together, I became pregnant. Before I realized I was pregnant, we traveled to Maine to watch his father get married. His father had finally found his Mrs. Right. The day after we got to Maine, I had a day where I didn’t feel quite right. A little unsteady. I attributed it to jet lag. I realize that is silly since we were in the same time zone. We went to the Vineyard church where Matt’s father went. (Matt introduced his dad to the Vineyard) We went up for prayer. The person who prayed for us said she sensed we had lost a child. At the time, I thought she was sensing the loss of our home church. We told her about what we had done and she quickly ended the prayer and left. She didn’t seem too excited to be with us anymore. We went home and shortly after that I found out I was pregnant. I forgot all about the lady who prayed for us about the “loss of our child.” In early August we went in to hear the baby’s heart beat for the first time. The doctor couldn’t find it and sent us to get an ultrasound. I lay there on the table not anxious at all because I already had two boys and it never occurred to me that something bad could happen. She put the wand on my stomach and looked at the screen. I heard the words, “I’m sorry.” I still couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Matt was holding my hand with his head down. I didn’t understand. I looked at the technician. She said it again. “I’m sorry, but the baby is dead.”
“How can you be sure?” I looked at the baby not sure what I was seeing.
“The heart is not beating.” She left to give us a moment.
Matt held me and I cried. Now all of a sudden there wasn’t a baby in me, but a corpse.
We went back to the doctor’s and he scheduled a time for a D&C the next morning. I can’t remember that night at all. I just remember the next morning when Matt’s mom came over. She was crying. (Matt wasn’t an only child on purpose.) They did the D&C. The doctor said he couldn’t get it all and hoped it would pass naturally. He sent us home.
When Matt and the boys were gone the next day, I woke up and stood. I worshiped God as that was all I could do.
The next day I went back to work. A week later I woke up in extreme pain. Matt rushed me to the hospital and they did an ultrasound. I had an infection. They had to perform another D&C and started me on two different antibiotic IVs. My family doctor came to see me in the hospital. He went to our old church. He wanted to make sure we knew that this wasn’t God’s punishment. He was sweet. His wife had a stillbirth baby once and he knew the pain we were in. I again went home and this time I was told to take time off work. A week later I went back to work and it was a little awkward with my coworkers. One finally came to me and said she just didn’t know what to say. I appreciated that. I heard far to many times, “It must have been meant to be.” Please, Please don’t ever say that to someone who has lost a baby. Don’t say that to anyone who has lost someone who is younger than 100 years old. Obviously God is in control, but no one wants to hear that after their loss of a loved one.
We decided it would be good to wait a year before trying again. Just to give my body a rest and to give us time to heal. For the next month we took turns grieving. I would breakdown and he would be there to hold me. He would breakdown and I would hold him. It definitely solidified our relationship and love for each other. I’m so blessed it did as I’ve seen that sort of loss result in divorce. More to come…