I’ve been struggling. Why did I think this would be easy?
I had a dream I cut loose a monster. I then spent the rest of my dream trying to leave to get away from the monster. There was a man running around trying to get me the best, most nutritious food possible before I ran away.
The monster is my feelings. I started this journey of living and feeling, but it frightens me. I run back to my escapism ways. God coaxes me out of hiding with fresh revelation. He continues to poor his grace and mercy on me by giving me hunger for more freedom. He gives me hunger to live instead of sitting around waiting to die.
Sometimes I forget how far he has brought me. I started going back over my old post, even as far back as January of 2014. I have to say, there some good food for thought back there.
I’m so glad I wrote down a lot of what I’m learning. It was so helpful today, to go back and read it – to revisit my journey. It hasn’t been easy. I shouldn’t have thought it would be. That’s okay. There are many a journey, physically and spiritually, I would never had started if I’d know how long and arduous it would be. However, the end result is always worth it.
The view is breathtaking.
This brings me back to: You Make Me Brave
Am I bipolar?
I seriously asked myself this question. It is in my family. It would not be unheard of. The reason for this question is my stop and go motion in my walk with God and towards emotional and spiritual maturity. I get a revelation and I go forth with a burst of speed. Then things tend to wind down and I fall back into some old ways.
I prayed about it and asked God if I was bipolar. I listened to what He had to say. I knew he wouldn’t pull any punches with me as he never has in the past. I believe bipolar is a real medical condition and not demonic or something a person just has to get over.
I felt like he told me I am not bipolar. What happens is I let my gut reaction take control. My gut reaction is abandonment. I feel I will be abandon by Him eventually because he will finally see me for who I am. He will give up on me since I’m not changing fast enough. I give up hope.
Hope is necessary for just about anything. Why work on wholeness if there is no hope of it ever happening. I googled hope and two definitions came up. 1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. 2. (archaic) a feeling of trust.
If I don’t have the expectation that I can and will become whole, I won’t. I also saw that my lack of hope is a lack of trust. Hebrews 11 and 12 are such awesome chapters on hope and trust. Jesus said he would never leave me or forsake me. I have nothing to fear. But do I believe that? Do I believe he is good?
“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”(Mark 9:24)
This is an amazing song I like to listen to when I tire of my questions. When I just need to be still: We will not be Shaken by Bethel Music
My feelings scare me. I see my feelings as a giant octopus. I’m standing alone in my mind. A large tentacle of fear slaps me across the face and retreats into the darkness. Another tentacle of loneliness smacks me in my chest. Abandonment punches me in the gut. I cower from them and busy myself with other things to block them out.
Sometimes I determine to hunt them down and eradicate them. I throw open the curtains to my soul and open all the doors. I flood the room with light. Instead of freezing like terrified fainting goats and falling over, I see the door to a another room in my mind slam shut by those tentacles as my feelings flee to a darker area of my being.
Today, instead of reading, watching television or stuffing my face, I stood still in the darkness. I could hear my slithering feelings creep closer and closer threatening to overwhelm me. In my hands, I hold a flashlight. I slowly turn around and clicked on the small but steady stream of light. I catch one of my feelings in the beam.
Imagine my surprise when instead of a slimy, ugly creature, it is a cute little baby squid cowering in the corner just as scared as me. I gently pick it up and examine it. I then release it back to the ocean of my past where it belongs.
It is Well With My Soul Kristene DiMarco & Bethel Music