Tag Archives: Christian

Disconnected

Posted on by
Reply

Disconnected from the worldFeeling disconnected, how did I even get here? Just two weeks ago, I was getting close to feeling alive and part of the world. I did have a “trauma” last week. Why does fear do this. It should draw me closer. I think I disconnect from life itself when I’m afraid. I don’t even know it until the fear diminishes and I feel safe. I should say I feel less scared. I don’t know if I ever feel totally safe, but I do get some space around me, and I no longer feel the breath of danger on my neck.

You would think that I am an international spy or something with how I talk; but really, I’m just a wife, mom, and software coordinator. Nothing too dangerous. I realize, right now in this minute, that disconnecting from the world is how I coped as a child with the real trauma of being abandoned at four, picked on most of my childhood, and finally called about to parent my mother before the age of 15. It all overwhelmed me, and then I disconnected. It is almost automatic. Kind of like Click with Adam Sandler.

I’m aware of it now and will work to catch myself and allow myself to experience life even in the things that scare me. One of the first ways I disconnect is disconnecting from spiritual disciplines. Why is that? Reading the Bible and listening to music should sooth me, but instead I hide in silence and stay in my head. I listen to my scary thoughts almost as if they are my friends. I need to let them go like Nash in A Beautiful Mind. Maybe I watch too much TV.

It feels a little empowering to realize what this is. It is the little girl in me who needs to know she is safe. I do not need this coping mechanism anymore. It does not benefit me as an adult.

I let it go and I ironically leave you a link to Let It Go.

Advertisement

You Sit With Me

Posted on by
Reply

There is a piece of me that is hidden. So hidden, in fact, that I don’t know how to find it. I hid it to protect it as a child since no one was protecting me. No one cared to make sure I was secure, so I secured myself.

What was once a safe place has become a prison. I want to release it to you, Lord, but I don’t know how to find it. There is a piece of me, which would connect with You much deeper than the part of me you see, but I don’t know how to find it. It is the pure, truly human part of me, the image of you that you breathed into me. It is buried alive within me. Only you, Lord, can resurrect it. The piece of me that can truly connect with you. Only you can find it. I need to be still, to not cringe in fear of being seen by you. I need to be quiet and allow your Spirit to seek and find me – the real me. Bring shalom to my core, restoration to who I was created to be. Find the pure, created piece of me buried deep. Spirit connect with my spirit and bring forth who I was created to be. Break the lies that are holding the doors closed, release the truth to set me free.

Even while that piece of me is hidden and buried, you meet me in my prison. You talk to me and give me hope while the Spirit breaks each chain, removes each wall, working to free me. You sit with me.

What is your cross?

Posted on by
Reply

Whenever I think of Luke 9:23 NIV, “Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” It makes me think, “What is my cross.” I get embarrassed by my cross. Most of what needs to be put to death are first world problems. I don’t count my daughter’s extreme GAD as a cross, more of an opportunity to trust him and see what he is going to do. When I think of my cross, I think of what in my life needs to be put to death on a daily basis. Here is my list of things I daily need to put to death.

  1. Gluttony
  2. Lack of Transparency (I need to practice being completely honest with my husband.)
  3. Lack of Exercise (I have health issues that require certain exercises to be done daily to stay healthy.)
  4. Lack of Devotions/spiritual development (Now I’m getting real.)

As I look at this list, this is a list of prevention for living joyfully. If I put Gluttony to death, I will love life more. If I put deception to death, all the things I hide will be off my shoulders and I can share the load with my husband. If I did my exercises, I would be energized and be uplifted and hopeful. If I sought God with all my heart, I would find him. Jer. 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Romans 8:13, “For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.”

I’m not writing this to be a buzzkill. Jesus is instructing us on how to be joyful and thrive. John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 15:11 says, “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

Jesus wants to live to the full and our joy to be complete. Why do we cling to these habitual sins that drag us down like weights we can’t remove.

I would like to put these things to death once and for all, but according to Jesus, this is a daily/consistent murder of our flesh through the Spirit of God. Well, sign me up.

Crucified with Christ by Phillips Craig and Dean

Jesus Paid It All (Oh Praise the One) by Alex NiFong, Elvina Hall, John Grape

Lead Me To The Cross by Hillsong United

My Body is a Chatter Box.

Posted on by
Reply

I noticed this week that I’ve been emotionally eating again. Not the kind where I eat a whole bag of chips, but the kind where I eat and read. The kind where I want to eat the whole bag of chips. I felt scared and looked at my scale daily when I know I’m only suppose to look at that thing once a week, at most. I started asking myself what was going on with me? Why did I want to eat without thinking. What happened to the thoughts of after three bites, I’m only chasing the dream of the first bite? I was eating too quick. It was like all my training was out the window.

Not that all the days were bad. I was driving the other day and decided to be present in my body. I felt myself breath. I felt the warmth of the sun on the steering wheel. I felt the wind blow over the hairs on my arm. I start to get this joy bubbling up in me at being alive. I felt like I could fly. I rolled down my windows even more and turned on whatever music was in the cd player. It just happened to be Toby Mac, so I cranked it. I jammed all the way home and felt amazing! Another day that week, I was in the midst of doing the last few weeks of my school work until summer. Finals are always stressful for me, especially the research projects. I looked up and saw the ocean. I saw the waves crashing and everything just seemed to slow down. It felt like what I’ve read about, where everything slows down while you are dying or think you are dying. It was fantastic and beautiful. A thought popped into my mind, “This is what it means to live and see as though today is your last.” It’s not morbid, it’s beautiful.

But I’ve been feeling the emotional eating wanting to rear it’s ugly head and I think to myself, haven’t you learned anything? What if I never change? I wondered why I wanted to eat without tasting, why I wanted to eat and read, eat and watch TV?

I started listening to my body and realized I was feeling tingling in my lower abdomen. I had felt that before. I thought back to when I felt that before and it was always during stress. I realized, when stressed, I felt it in my lower abdomen, well that’s good information to have. I thought about what I was stressed for and the final research project came to mind. I didn’t want to do it and I was procrastinating. I realized the procrastination was making the stress even worse. The anticipation of doing the project was always worse then actually doing it.

So this was the cause of my desire to eat more than what my body was telling me I needed. I could solve this by just starting the project. I did that and there was a small amount of the stress released. I felt a little less like eating everything in the kitchen. I then decided to isolate the place where I felt the tingling and work that muscle to release any cortisone buildup. (stress hormone) I found an exercise that released that feeling. It felt wonderful.

My week is almost up. I haven’t lost any weight. I know because I weighed myself. The thought came to me, this week was not good. I had to catch myself. This is not about weight. I did so many new, good, learning things this week, which will not be negated by weight. This is about living intentionally, living in the present and if I think back on this week, I lived more than I did the week before. I learned things about myself. I experienced joy just by being present.

This week was a good week.

Music for today: Switchfoot – Afterlife

We are all the Same

Posted on by
Reply

I work for a church somewhat different from the churches I have been apart of in the past. I was told when I went to work there that I had to be careful because they knew the church I had come from. My manager did not go into to what I had to be careful about, but I gathered is was about the power gifts. So from that day forward, I always wondered what part of me I could show to my co-workers and what part I had to keep hidden. We felt like since I was working there, God was calling us to attend this church. My daughter loves the youth group. Worship is great, but a little too short. The pastor is always engaging and is a great speaker. I had questions like, can I pray for someone to be healed? Can I see a picture about someone and tell them when I think God might be saying to them?  What can I do and not do?

Because of this, I had somehow gotten the idea that I could receive nothing from them. So when the annual Women’s Retreat came around, it never entered my radar to go. First of all, I’m an introvert and I know very few women in this large church. Secondly, I’m working two jobs, going to school, and homeschooling my daughter. I just didn’t have the time. Thirdly, it would interfere with one of the few times a month I get to flow in the Spirit and am free to share. But all of those were just an excuse, because in reality people intimidate me.

Then I clearly heard God tell me to go on this retreat. I thought, I can’t go, I have to be at the coffee shop with my friend. We facilitate spiritual encounters there every other Sunday. God still kept saying go. He was so emphatic about it, I told my friend I had to go on this retreat and I wouldn’t be able to be there.

I started thinking, why am I suppose to go on this retreat? Who needs me there and the prophetic gifting God has blessed me with? I was insecure. A lot of these women have way more money than me. They seemed a little more put together. What can I give them that they will receive? It never dawned on me that they had something to give me.

I knew this was going to be the kind of retreat that stretched me and built character. I was terrified to be among so many women I didn’t know. I at least found a ride with my co-workers and was able to help with checkin. This helped me have something to do before the retreat actually started. What I didn’t realize was, it helped others recognize me later in the retreat as they had seen me during checkin.

For the first few meals, I made sure I sat at a table where I didn’t know anyone. After that I decided to sit at an empty table and see what happened. What I found, was those new to CPC or new to the retreat, sought me out because I was a familiar face from checkin.

I was so bent on finding out why God sent me on this retreat that the first night I dreamt about it. I had a skateboard and a group of young men went by. The one said he needed to get to work. I knew I was suppose to give him my skateboard. In my dream I turned to my husband and said, “I have to give him this skateboard, that’s why I was suppose to go to the women’s retreat.”

So I actually did have a few words for a couple people. Thankfully both of them were used to this and gladly received them. I thought, okay, maybe that was it. I then went on a ropes course. It was a small one and not very high up, but it terrified me! I did it just to feel that high you get when you accomplish something that is so very scary. My two co-workers were my cheerleaders. They said I inspired them and maybe next year they would try it. I thought, okay, maybe this is another reason I’m here. I then had a great chat with one of the women sharing our room. I told her what God has been doing in my life. She said it was amazing and so inspired her. So I thought, okay, that could be another reason I’m here. And all those were great, but it was not the real reason I was there.

Saturday, God decided to start showing me why I was there. He started revealing all my judgmental thoughts towards people. I had preconceived notions of who people were before hearing their story. It was very humbling. I was sent there to receive what these great women had to offer me.

Saturday, during quiet time, I was exhausted because I hadn’t slept the night before. I lay on my bed and asked God what he wanted to say to me. I heard Ps. 49. I didn’t want to get up, but I did and got my Bible. (internet was not working on my phone) I read until verse seven. It said,

“No one can redeem the life of another or give to God a ransom for them – the ransom for a life is costly, no payment is ever enough – so that they should live on forever and not see decay.”

I had never seen that verse. I was like whoa. Jesus you did that for me. You paid a cost that was too costly for any human to pay. You came down to us, lived with us and then died for us. I had this picture of all people. We are all the same. We all needed Jesus to die for us. No one is better than anyone else. We all have things to give away and we all need to receive some things. I just saw the sameness of the whole of humanity. Rich or poor, we are all the same.

That night, we had communion. I was sitting a row back from the front. There was one of four communion stations there. All these women came down and started getting in line to receive communion. One by one they filed past me and I would hear our speaker for the weekend say,

“Jesus’ body was broken for you.”

“Jesus’ blood was shed for you.”

Every time I heard her say that, it was as if a nail was being pounded into my hard heart. I was looking down at the time and all I could see were these different sizes, colors and shapes of feet walking past me.

Another pair of feet,

“Jesus’ body was broken for you.”

“Jesus’ blood was shed for you.”

Over and over and over again, until I became so overwhelmed with the enormity of what Jesus did and his love for every single person in this world. I live in the SF Bay area. It is very culturally diverse. So it was like seeing the whole of all the nations coming to hear.

“Jesus’ body was broken for you.”

“Jesus’ blood was shed for you.”

I must have heard it at least 50 times and finally the line of women was gone and I got up to receive.

“Jesus’ body was broken for you, Kimberly.”

“Jesus’ blood was shed for you, Kimberly.”

I sat down and I could hardly keep it together. I was thinking, “are you going to undo me in front of all these women? I don’t know most of them and this is not the kind of church where people fall on the floor weeping. What will they think of me?” God said, “you can receive what I have for you or you can resist it out of pride.” I chose to receive and I just lost it. I didn’t make a huge scene, but I just started crying and then worship started and I had to get on my knees in the isle. I put my face towards the floor and just allowed Spirit to do the work he wanted to do. When I was done, the head knowledge of what Jesus did on the cross became heart knowledge. God broke through my hardened heart and helped me realize what Jesus did for us and how much he loves each and every one of us. We are not different, we are the same.

Love this song by Hillsong, Ocean.

Feelings Continued…

Posted on by
Reply

My feelings scare me. I see my feelings as a giant octopus. I’m standing alone in my mind. A large tentacle of fear slaps me across the face and retreats into the darkness. Another tentacle of loneliness smacks me in my chest. Abandonment punches me in the gut. I cower from them and busy myself with other things to block them out.

Sometimes I determine to hunt them down and eradicate them. I throw open the curtains to my soul and open all the doors. I flood the room with light. Instead of freezing like terrified fainting goats and falling over, I see the door to a another room in my mind slam shut by those tentacles as my feelings flee to a darker area of my being.

Today, instead of reading, watching television or stuffing my face, I stood still in the darkness. I could hear my slithering feelings creep closer and closer threatening to overwhelm me. In my hands, I hold a flashlight. I slowly turn around and clicked on the small but steady stream of light. I catch one of my feelings in the beam.

Imagine my surprise when instead of a slimy, ugly creature, it is a cute little baby squid cowering in the corner just as scared as me. I gently pick it up and examine it. I then release it back to the ocean of my past where it belongs.

It is Well With My Soul Kristene DiMarco & Bethel Music

Feeling My Feelings

Posted on by
2

I found out recently that my spiritual father died – Vern Seeley. I got to stay at their house one week during the summer and I officially accepted Jesus during that week. After that, things were a little less lonely. I did have God and I spoke to him as only a seven year old can about everything. God helped me get my 10,000 words in that no one else was interested in.

I’ve always loved God, but recently I’ve realized I felt abandoned and betrayed by my parents and God. It is a feeling I’ve never allowed myself to feel. I’ve alway stuffed it down guiltily.

As I stated in my last post, I’ve been reading Women Food and God. One of the things she tells you to do is question everything. Ask yourself what your body really wants. Does it want food or does it want sleep. Or do you really need to talk to someone. It was a revolution when I started asking myself what I wanted. I wondered why it was such ephoria for me to simply ask what I wanted. What does my body want? What is my body telling me? I’d never asked those questions before. I started feeling angry. Something was welling up inside of me and instead of stuffing it back down, I allowed it to bubble up and out.

What I heard myself say was, “Nobody ever asked me what I wanted.” I thought about that. No one, especially as a child, asked me what I wanted. My mother did not ask me if I wanted her to leave. My father did not ask me if it was okay that he checked out for a while. My sisters did not ask me if they could leave me and go live somewhere else. My brother did not ask me if he could ignore me. My father did not ask me if he could marry a woman and four children who were mean and took their own anger out on me. My mother did not consult me when she married an abusive husband and my only choice was to live with a step-mom and her mean children or live with just my mom and one abusive husband. I choose the later. My step-dad didn’t consult me when he decided it was against God to take food stamps, but God was okay with him not working. He didn’t ask if I minded never knowing where my next meal would come from. Most of all, God did not ask me if any of this was okay before he allowed it to happen. I know that hurting people, hurt people and I hold no ill will towards my family. I love them.

After allowing myself to feel and say these feelings that I’ve alway buried, the anger and betrayal seemed to bubble up and out and then drift away. There are small pockets still left, but I let them come up and then they go away. I have been living with those past feelings and stuffing them down only to realize I could feel them and let them go. They didn’t have to affect me. It’s okay to feel and once felt, it’s okay to let them go. They are the past and they can’t hurt me anymore.

It’s okay to feel the guilt and shame in realizing I did the same thing with my children. I made choices they might consider bad, without consulting them. I can feel that guilt and shame and then let it blow away along with the past. (Apologizing is a part of that.)

A friend of mine was asking me about the book I was reading. I told her a result of not stuffing my feelings was this concept of no one asking me as a child what I wanted or basically they didn’t ask me if they could wig out and leave me alone to fend for myself. She said, “Yea, but that’s how it always is.” I was taken aback for a second. I actually felt hurt. I didn’t know how to respond so I said, “that’s true, but I was realizing I was angry about it.” I thought back on why her statement hurt my feelings. I allowed my self to question and feel those hurt feelings instead of stuffing them like I normally would. I realized it felt like she was negating my feelings. Like she was negating my experience. Once I was able to name what I was feeling, I was able to feel it and let it go.

You know what song has to go here, right. Let it Go Sing-along. Enjoy and sing your heart out!

Who am I?

Posted on by
Reply

I was thinking again about who am I and the significance of knowing who I am. If it was necessary or if I was being narcissistic. I was reading John 13 and something caught my eye. The NIV, 2011 version starting in verse 3 reads like this, “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.” Jesus knew who he was. He knew the Father had put all things under his power and this allowed him to be secure enough to wash his disciples feet. 

It is not until I know who I am in Christ, that I can be secure enough to reach out to all people. The fear of being exposed will be gone. The fear of vulnerability will disappear. The fear of people realizing I’m a fraud, that I have more fear than faith, will disappear.

God gave me Isaiah 54 over 24 years ago when I was a single teenage parent with two small boys from two different fathers. I didn’t realize I would carry the shame with me for so many years. Even though those two beautiful boys are grown and are amazing in very different ways, I am still walking in that shame.

I feel the chains coming off. The time to step into complete freedom in the knowledge and security of Isaiah 54 and Colossians 2 is now.

A song that is coming to my mind is You Make Me Brave.

Picture by Pearl Schulz.

Picture by Pearl Schulz.

Forrest Through the Trees

Posted on by
2

I didn’t want to post today. Today is not going well. I did not get a good nights sleep. I’m not feeling the best and I’m escaping with food and reading news on the internet. (Escapism for me is another post altogether, maybe a few posts.)

That being said, I know it’s important to be honest. It’s important to be real. I like to think I’m a real person without a facade, but I know everyone has a facade even in writing. I’m striving to put mine down.

Here are a few songs that I love when I’m down. For the Christian Heavy Metal fans: Top Of The Mountain by Bloodgood

For others: Take My Life by Third Day

These two songs just make me feel lighter. I have hope and I begin to trust the process. I hope the songs lift others out there who are feeling down and need a little lift.