I’ve been struggling. Why did I think this would be easy?
I had a dream I cut loose a monster. I then spent the rest of my dream trying to leave to get away from the monster. There was a man running around trying to get me the best, most nutritious food possible before I ran away.
The monster is my feelings. I started this journey of living and feeling, but it frightens me. I run back to my escapism ways. God coaxes me out of hiding with fresh revelation. He continues to poor his grace and mercy on me by giving me hunger for more freedom. He gives me hunger to live instead of sitting around waiting to die.
Sometimes I forget how far he has brought me. I started going back over my old post, even as far back as January of 2014. I have to say, there some good food for thought back there.
I’m so glad I wrote down a lot of what I’m learning. It was so helpful today, to go back and read it – to revisit my journey. It hasn’t been easy. I shouldn’t have thought it would be. That’s okay. There are many a journey, physically and spiritually, I would never had started if I’d know how long and arduous it would be. However, the end result is always worth it.
The view is breathtaking.
This brings me back to: You Make Me Brave
I stepped on the scale today as I do every morning (when I care) and the scale said 156.2. I did good yesterday. I went to bed hungry, but feeling good about how I did great with my eating only to wake up to a 2 oz weight gain. It almost sent me off the rails. Thoughts ran through my head like, “How about I just stop eating. Maybe then I can lose some weight.” or “I know, I’ll only eat protein and lettuce from now on.” I ate exactly 4 oz of premium low sodium roast beef and a few squares of very dark chocolate and went on my walk. While walking, I started thinking, it’s amazing how the number on the scale can influence everything about my day. It decides who I talk to. It decides if I go to a new women’s group. It decides how affectionate I am towards my husband. It decides if I look people in the eye and say hello as I pass them on my morning walk. If I had gotten on the scale and it said anything below 156, I would have been a different person. I then heard God say, “You are not a number on a scale.” I thought about that for a while and I finally agreed. I thought about who I really am. My first thoughts were, I’m a mother, wife, student and have multiple jobs outside the house. I have gifts from God that he has allowed me to use to further his kingdom (I hope). But that really just says what I do. Who am I? I turned to who else, but Joyce Meyer to tell me. Yes I’m kidding, kind of. She has a webpage entitled Knowing Who I Am in Christ. It is awesome. One of the line items on this page caught my eye. “I have received the gift of righteousness and reign as a king in life by Jesus Christ (Romans 5:17 NIV).” I had to look this up to make sure this is what was being said. I reign as a King. Later today, I saw a picture in my head of me in a very small area. There were walls all around me, but I couldn’t see them due to a facade that covered them. My eyes were opened. I saw the walls and I started trying to climb them. The facade fell down and I saw someone standing on the walls. He reached his hand down and pulled me up on top. I made it just in time to watch a magnificent sunrise over the ocean. I felt like my life was just starting.
*disclaimer, I know I live on the west coast and a sunrise over the ocean is impossible, but God works in the impossible. 🙂