Tag Archives: Growth

My Body is a Chatter Box.

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I noticed this week that I’ve been emotionally eating again. Not the kind where I eat a whole bag of chips, but the kind where I eat and read. The kind where I want to eat the whole bag of chips. I felt scared and looked at my scale daily when I know I’m only suppose to look at that thing once a week, at most. I started asking myself what was going on with me? Why did I want to eat without thinking. What happened to the thoughts of after three bites, I’m only chasing the dream of the first bite? I was eating too quick. It was like all my training was out the window.

Not that all the days were bad. I was driving the other day and decided to be present in my body. I felt myself breath. I felt the warmth of the sun on the steering wheel. I felt the wind blow over the hairs on my arm. I start to get this joy bubbling up in me at being alive. I felt like I could fly. I rolled down my windows even more and turned on whatever music was in the cd player. It just happened to be Toby Mac, so I cranked it. I jammed all the way home and felt amazing! Another day that week, I was in the midst of doing the last few weeks of my school work until summer. Finals are always stressful for me, especially the research projects. I looked up and saw the ocean. I saw the waves crashing and everything just seemed to slow down. It felt like what I’ve read about, where everything slows down while you are dying or think you are dying. It was fantastic and beautiful. A thought popped into my mind, “This is what it means to live and see as though today is your last.” It’s not morbid, it’s beautiful.

But I’ve been feeling the emotional eating wanting to rear it’s ugly head and I think to myself, haven’t you learned anything? What if I never change? I wondered why I wanted to eat without tasting, why I wanted to eat and read, eat and watch TV?

I started listening to my body and realized I was feeling tingling in my lower abdomen. I had felt that before. I thought back to when I felt that before and it was always during stress. I realized, when stressed, I felt it in my lower abdomen, well that’s good information to have. I thought about what I was stressed for and the final research project came to mind. I didn’t want to do it and I was procrastinating. I realized the procrastination was making the stress even worse. The anticipation of doing the project was always worse then actually doing it.

So this was the cause of my desire to eat more than what my body was telling me I needed. I could solve this by just starting the project. I did that and there was a small amount of the stress released. I felt a little less like eating everything in the kitchen. I then decided to isolate the place where I felt the tingling and work that muscle to release any cortisone buildup. (stress hormone) I found an exercise that released that feeling. It felt wonderful.

My week is almost up. I haven’t lost any weight. I know because I weighed myself. The thought came to me, this week was not good. I had to catch myself. This is not about weight. I did so many new, good, learning things this week, which will not be negated by weight. This is about living intentionally, living in the present and if I think back on this week, I lived more than I did the week before. I learned things about myself. I experienced joy just by being present.

This week was a good week.

Music for today: Switchfoot – Afterlife

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We are all the Same

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I work for a church somewhat different from the churches I have been apart of in the past. I was told when I went to work there that I had to be careful because they knew the church I had come from. My manager did not go into to what I had to be careful about, but I gathered is was about the power gifts. So from that day forward, I always wondered what part of me I could show to my co-workers and what part I had to keep hidden. We felt like since I was working there, God was calling us to attend this church. My daughter loves the youth group. Worship is great, but a little too short. The pastor is always engaging and is a great speaker. I had questions like, can I pray for someone to be healed? Can I see a picture about someone and tell them when I think God might be saying to them?  What can I do and not do?

Because of this, I had somehow gotten the idea that I could receive nothing from them. So when the annual Women’s Retreat came around, it never entered my radar to go. First of all, I’m an introvert and I know very few women in this large church. Secondly, I’m working two jobs, going to school, and homeschooling my daughter. I just didn’t have the time. Thirdly, it would interfere with one of the few times a month I get to flow in the Spirit and am free to share. But all of those were just an excuse, because in reality people intimidate me.

Then I clearly heard God tell me to go on this retreat. I thought, I can’t go, I have to be at the coffee shop with my friend. We facilitate spiritual encounters there every other Sunday. God still kept saying go. He was so emphatic about it, I told my friend I had to go on this retreat and I wouldn’t be able to be there.

I started thinking, why am I suppose to go on this retreat? Who needs me there and the prophetic gifting God has blessed me with? I was insecure. A lot of these women have way more money than me. They seemed a little more put together. What can I give them that they will receive? It never dawned on me that they had something to give me.

I knew this was going to be the kind of retreat that stretched me and built character. I was terrified to be among so many women I didn’t know. I at least found a ride with my co-workers and was able to help with checkin. This helped me have something to do before the retreat actually started. What I didn’t realize was, it helped others recognize me later in the retreat as they had seen me during checkin.

For the first few meals, I made sure I sat at a table where I didn’t know anyone. After that I decided to sit at an empty table and see what happened. What I found, was those new to CPC or new to the retreat, sought me out because I was a familiar face from checkin.

I was so bent on finding out why God sent me on this retreat that the first night I dreamt about it. I had a skateboard and a group of young men went by. The one said he needed to get to work. I knew I was suppose to give him my skateboard. In my dream I turned to my husband and said, “I have to give him this skateboard, that’s why I was suppose to go to the women’s retreat.”

So I actually did have a few words for a couple people. Thankfully both of them were used to this and gladly received them. I thought, okay, maybe that was it. I then went on a ropes course. It was a small one and not very high up, but it terrified me! I did it just to feel that high you get when you accomplish something that is so very scary. My two co-workers were my cheerleaders. They said I inspired them and maybe next year they would try it. I thought, okay, maybe this is another reason I’m here. I then had a great chat with one of the women sharing our room. I told her what God has been doing in my life. She said it was amazing and so inspired her. So I thought, okay, that could be another reason I’m here. And all those were great, but it was not the real reason I was there.

Saturday, God decided to start showing me why I was there. He started revealing all my judgmental thoughts towards people. I had preconceived notions of who people were before hearing their story. It was very humbling. I was sent there to receive what these great women had to offer me.

Saturday, during quiet time, I was exhausted because I hadn’t slept the night before. I lay on my bed and asked God what he wanted to say to me. I heard Ps. 49. I didn’t want to get up, but I did and got my Bible. (internet was not working on my phone) I read until verse seven. It said,

“No one can redeem the life of another or give to God a ransom for them – the ransom for a life is costly, no payment is ever enough – so that they should live on forever and not see decay.”

I had never seen that verse. I was like whoa. Jesus you did that for me. You paid a cost that was too costly for any human to pay. You came down to us, lived with us and then died for us. I had this picture of all people. We are all the same. We all needed Jesus to die for us. No one is better than anyone else. We all have things to give away and we all need to receive some things. I just saw the sameness of the whole of humanity. Rich or poor, we are all the same.

That night, we had communion. I was sitting a row back from the front. There was one of four communion stations there. All these women came down and started getting in line to receive communion. One by one they filed past me and I would hear our speaker for the weekend say,

“Jesus’ body was broken for you.”

“Jesus’ blood was shed for you.”

Every time I heard her say that, it was as if a nail was being pounded into my hard heart. I was looking down at the time and all I could see were these different sizes, colors and shapes of feet walking past me.

Another pair of feet,

“Jesus’ body was broken for you.”

“Jesus’ blood was shed for you.”

Over and over and over again, until I became so overwhelmed with the enormity of what Jesus did and his love for every single person in this world. I live in the SF Bay area. It is very culturally diverse. So it was like seeing the whole of all the nations coming to hear.

“Jesus’ body was broken for you.”

“Jesus’ blood was shed for you.”

I must have heard it at least 50 times and finally the line of women was gone and I got up to receive.

“Jesus’ body was broken for you, Kimberly.”

“Jesus’ blood was shed for you, Kimberly.”

I sat down and I could hardly keep it together. I was thinking, “are you going to undo me in front of all these women? I don’t know most of them and this is not the kind of church where people fall on the floor weeping. What will they think of me?” God said, “you can receive what I have for you or you can resist it out of pride.” I chose to receive and I just lost it. I didn’t make a huge scene, but I just started crying and then worship started and I had to get on my knees in the isle. I put my face towards the floor and just allowed Spirit to do the work he wanted to do. When I was done, the head knowledge of what Jesus did on the cross became heart knowledge. God broke through my hardened heart and helped me realize what Jesus did for us and how much he loves each and every one of us. We are not different, we are the same.

Love this song by Hillsong, Ocean.