Disconnected from the worldFeeling disconnected, how did I even get here? Just two weeks ago, I was getting close to feeling alive and part of the world. I did have a “trauma” last week. Why does fear do this. It should draw me closer. I think I disconnect from life itself when I’m afraid. I don’t even know it until the fear diminishes and I feel safe. I should say I feel less scared. I don’t know if I ever feel totally safe, but I do get some space around me, and I no longer feel the breath of danger on my neck.

You would think that I am an international spy or something with how I talk; but really, I’m just a wife, mom, and software coordinator. Nothing too dangerous. I realize, right now in this minute, that disconnecting from the world is how I coped as a child with the real trauma of being abandoned at four, picked on most of my childhood, and finally called about to parent my mother before the age of 15. It all overwhelmed me, and then I disconnected. It is almost automatic. Kind of like Click with Adam Sandler.

I’m aware of it now and will work to catch myself and allow myself to experience life even in the things that scare me. One of the first ways I disconnect is disconnecting from spiritual disciplines. Why is that? Reading the Bible and listening to music should sooth me, but instead I hide in silence and stay in my head. I listen to my scary thoughts almost as if they are my friends. I need to let them go like Nash in A Beautiful Mind. Maybe I watch too much TV.

It feels a little empowering to realize what this is. It is the little girl in me who needs to know she is safe. I do not need this coping mechanism anymore. It does not benefit me as an adult.

I let it go and I ironically leave you a link to Let It Go.


Feeling My Feelings

I found out recently that my spiritual father died – Vern Seeley. I got to stay at their house one week during the summer and I officially accepted Jesus during that week. After that, things were a little less lonely. I did have God and I spoke to him as only a seven year old can about everything. God helped me get my 10,000 words in that no one else was interested in.

I’ve always loved God, but recently I’ve realized I felt abandoned and betrayed by my parents and God. It is a feeling I’ve never allowed myself to feel. I’ve alway stuffed it down guiltily.

As I stated in my last post, I’ve been reading Women Food and God. One of the things she tells you to do is question everything. Ask yourself what your body really wants. Does it want food or does it want sleep. Or do you really need to talk to someone. It was a revolution when I started asking myself what I wanted. I wondered why it was such ephoria for me to simply ask what I wanted. What does my body want? What is my body telling me? I’d never asked those questions before. I started feeling angry. Something was welling up inside of me and instead of stuffing it back down, I allowed it to bubble up and out.

What I heard myself say was, “Nobody ever asked me what I wanted.” I thought about that. No one, especially as a child, asked me what I wanted. My mother did not ask me if I wanted her to leave. My father did not ask me if it was okay that he checked out for a while. My sisters did not ask me if they could leave me and go live somewhere else. My brother did not ask me if he could ignore me. My father did not ask me if he could marry a woman and four children who were mean and took their own anger out on me. My mother did not consult me when she married an abusive husband and my only choice was to live with a step-mom and her mean children or live with just my mom and one abusive husband. I choose the later. My step-dad didn’t consult me when he decided it was against God to take food stamps, but God was okay with him not working. He didn’t ask if I minded never knowing where my next meal would come from. Most of all, God did not ask me if any of this was okay before he allowed it to happen. I know that hurting people, hurt people and I hold no ill will towards my family. I love them.

After allowing myself to feel and say these feelings that I’ve alway buried, the anger and betrayal seemed to bubble up and out and then drift away. There are small pockets still left, but I let them come up and then they go away. I have been living with those past feelings and stuffing them down only to realize I could feel them and let them go. They didn’t have to affect me. It’s okay to feel and once felt, it’s okay to let them go. They are the past and they can’t hurt me anymore.

It’s okay to feel the guilt and shame in realizing I did the same thing with my children. I made choices they might consider bad, without consulting them. I can feel that guilt and shame and then let it blow away along with the past. (Apologizing is a part of that.)

A friend of mine was asking me about the book I was reading. I told her a result of not stuffing my feelings was this concept of no one asking me as a child what I wanted or basically they didn’t ask me if they could wig out and leave me alone to fend for myself. She said, “Yea, but that’s how it always is.” I was taken aback for a second. I actually felt hurt. I didn’t know how to respond so I said, “that’s true, but I was realizing I was angry about it.” I thought back on why her statement hurt my feelings. I allowed my self to question and feel those hurt feelings instead of stuffing them like I normally would. I realized it felt like she was negating my feelings. Like she was negating my experience. Once I was able to name what I was feeling, I was able to feel it and let it go.

You know what song has to go here, right. Let it Go Sing-along. Enjoy and sing your heart out!