Wake Up!

I was struggling with eating and reading once again. I talked to myself.

“You don’t have to do this anymore. You can look at what you are scared of head-on and it won’t kill you. You do not have to numb yourself against pain or fear. You know this. Okay, what is giving you stress?”

I started focusing on my breathing to bring myself back to the present moment. A small little voice started speaking to me. It got louder as the thought materialized in my head.

“You can’t make me.”

It came up out from the depths of my gut. What is that? Where did that thought come from? I asked God and I heard,

“That is the little girl that wants to hide, that doesn’t want to feel and ultimately that you don’t want to let got of. She doesn’t want to fade into the background of your life. She is the abandoned child. She is the one without a father or mother or brother or sisters, but she is not who you are now. You are loved. You are loved by your children. You are loved by your husband. Your father, mother and siblings are there for you. You are not the lonely abandoned daughter. That is not your identity any longer.

I thought about that all day. A few nights after that, I had a dream. I went upstairs and in my bed there were two versions of myself. A tiny baby and a child around six years old. I woke the baby up and she got off the bed and started walking down the hallway. As she walked away she grew and by the time she turned the corner, her legs were fully form, but the rest of her body wasn’t done yet. I turned to the older version of myself. I woke her up and ran away. I didn’t want her to see me and get scared. It is scary looking at yourself. I woke up out of the dream going, “Whoa!”

I realize there is a part of me that doesn’t want to get better. I want to stay with what is familiar. I want the cushion of excuses. It scares me to shed the skin of lies and look at who I really am. What if I don’t like myself?

To Be Continued…

I love this song: Wake Me Up Inside by Evanescence


Cloak of Lies

The ideas I write about in this journal entry have come from people and things I’ve heard throughout my life, but came together for me on my walk this morning.

Things have happened over the last three years that made me realize how sensitive I am to being discounted or perceived as less than what I know I am. I didn’t realize I was overly sensitive until recently. I would just get upset and it would fester within me. I could not let go of someone’s false words about me. I gave people too much power over me.

I was walking this morning and I began to think about an incident that hadn’t even happened yet. It was just a possible negative outcome of how someone might treat me as being less than I know God created me to be in an upcoming meeting. I began to ask myself, “Why do you do that. Why do you go to the negative? Why do you hang onto false words about yourself from people?”

Then I remembered back when I was a teen mom 26 years ago. I was in the back seat of a truck getting a ride from some friends of a friend. There were two people in the front. One of them swore and the other person said he shouldn’t swear in front of ladies. The man said there were no ladies in the car and they snickered up front. I have held onto that for years. I thought of that as a wound, but in actuality, God told me that was a lie.

As children of God, our spirits are radiant. God created our spirits to reflect his glory. God showed me the lies were rags. I was hanging onto the lies and wearing them as a covering of rags. These rags were dimming my beautiful, brilliant spirit. They didn’t have to though. I only need let go of the lies and they will fall to the ground – worthless. I realized I had hung onto the lies since I was a child. Every negative word spoken over me was clung to and worn like a very ugly seasonal collection.

God gave me a revelation of what our spirits look like as children of God. There is a full moon out tonight or tomorrow – go outside and take a look. The full moon is only a fraction of our brilliance. God is so much brighter than the sun that the moon reflects.

Our spirits reflect the God of the universe.

I’m going to let go of the rags that dim God’s shalom. The lies that dim his intended creation, knit in my mother’s womb.