Feeling disconnected, how did I even get here? Just two weeks ago, I was getting close to feeling alive and part of the world. I did have a “trauma” last week. Why does fear do this. It should draw me closer. I think I disconnect from life itself when I’m afraid. I don’t even know it until the fear diminishes and I feel safe. I should say I feel less scared. I don’t know if I ever feel totally safe, but I do get some space around me, and I no longer feel the breath of danger on my neck.
You would think that I am an international spy or something with how I talk; but really, I’m just a wife, mom, and software coordinator. Nothing too dangerous. I realize, right now in this minute, that disconnecting from the world is how I coped as a child with the real trauma of being abandoned at four, picked on most of my childhood, and finally called about to parent my mother before the age of 15. It all overwhelmed me, and then I disconnected. It is almost automatic. Kind of like Click with Adam Sandler.
I’m aware of it now and will work to catch myself and allow myself to experience life even in the things that scare me. One of the first ways I disconnect is disconnecting from spiritual disciplines. Why is that? Reading the Bible and listening to music should sooth me, but instead I hide in silence and stay in my head. I listen to my scary thoughts almost as if they are my friends. I need to let them go like Nash in A Beautiful Mind. Maybe I watch too much TV.
It feels a little empowering to realize what this is. It is the little girl in me who needs to know she is safe. I do not need this coping mechanism anymore. It does not benefit me as an adult.
I let it go and I ironically leave you a link to Let It Go.