A Message of Love

A message of love from the Triune God.

Jesus: I love you and was faithful to obey the Father to atone for your sin.

Father: I have loved you from the beginning. I watched over you since the crib. You are still my child. I still watch over you. I am close to the broken hearted.

Holy Spirit: I am the Living Well that is in you. Seek that water. It looks like Peace.

You are not alone.


Love and Peace to You

I don’t want others to feel alone, so I want to write how I’ve dealt with the things thrown at us this year, and the emotions I’ve had. The week before California went into lockdown, I had an assignment from a pastoral resident class that the staff (I work for a church) can sit in on for free. As staff, we are not graded, but it’s good to do the work to get the most out of the class. I was supposed to find a place for about four to eight hours to spend with God without interruption.

The more I thought about how to spend this day; I got the sense I was supposed to spend time with God while enjoying a day alone doing whatever I wanted. That seemed selfish, but it was a strong sense that I was to enjoy God by enjoying my favorite things. Now you should know that I can’t remember taking most of the day just for me since I was a young teen. So it’s been about 34 years. I took the day to go to the museum (A gift from my father and mother-in-law). I paid too much for a soda and snack and sat in the outdoor court, soaking in the sun. I felt the sugary, fizzy, orange soda slide down my throat. I watched the birds and squirrels jump, fly, and scurry around the patio. I wrote down how I felt and listened to what God would say to me.

I then meandered around the museum, viewing the obscure things that my family or friends wouldn’t have had the patience for. I went outside and enjoyed the view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the bay. I watched a painter for about 15 minutes. He moved his paintbrush here and there, lined it up with the bridge, looked at his colors but never got around to painting. I heard the lesson in that in my spirit.

I went to a Vietnamese restaurant and got some Pho. I went home and ate it while watching a show I like to watch. All of this alone as my husband and daughter were at work and school. I then took a walk, came back, and watched more TV. I wrote a little more. And that was it. It was such a good day.

A week later, COVID-19 grew out of control, and California shut down. I had no idea that would happen, but God did. The knowledge that God loved me so much to impress on me to take a day to myself and enjoy what I would not fully enjoy for the next six months and counting has sustained me.

With that being said, I have gone through bouts of depression and grief. I was unable to go to Michigan and see my children and grandchildren this summer. It was so hard. I have gone through feelings of guilt for having a job where I can work from home, not having to go out of my house except to grocery shop–knowing that there are those who are losing everything. There are those who have to go to work to provide food or heal the rest of us.

I have gained and lost weight. I have used this time to read good books and work out on my treadmill. I have dove deep into escapism eating chips while binge-watching Netflix (Tiger King, yep I watched it). Being an introvert, I have had times of building the wall around myself even higher, retreating further into my own psyche.

I have spent time reading the Bible, reading a verse or chapter that has caused me to blink, look around, and step a little more back into the world. I’ve read books that helped me see how I, using the gifts God has given me, can be used to build for the Kingdom of God. In some mysterious way, this build is eternal.

To sum it up, I have experienced grief, guilt, depression, isolation, freedom, joy, and wonder. But that day, the day God gave me, makes me smile and gives me peace when I let it. That day makes me wonder at his mercy and love. I hope there is a special moment that God has given you. A moment when you know you heard his voice clearly, a time you felt his presence or witnessed a miracle that you can draw hope and faith from. I pray the Spirit gives you a moment like this even now during the pandemic, fires (I live in California), and whatever else you may be going through where you live.

Love and Peace to you.

Unfailing Love

This morning, I typed and erased a couple of posts on Facebook. They were a little negative, and I just couldn’t post them. Then the thought came to my mind, why not post something uplifting. Negative in any way is not necessary. Plus, if I seek out something uplifting to share, it will uplift me. So I thought of the Psalms, which have been a great help to me. I just picked one Psalm 48, and verse 9 was highlighted to me.

Wiithin your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love. Psalm 48:9

I wondered why this caught my eye. I realized that we are now the temple of God (I Cor. 6:19). We can meditate on God’s unfailing love wherever we are. The Holy Spirit resides within us as believers. He reveals God’s unfailing love to us, and we can meditate on that instead of everything that is going on around us. From this overflow of love, we can be more patient with our families, reach out to others (safely, of course), and love our neighbor.

My pastor said during Easter, “The whole world is anxious right now.” The entire world is experiencing COVID-19 right now. The world is our neighbor. With technology, we can help anyone anywhere in the world. Right now, we need to see anyone from any walk of life as our community in this together.

The idea of the world as our neighbor can be overwhelming, but it starts with us meditating, as God’s temple, on his unfailing love.

In all their affliction He was afflicted,
And the angel of His presence saved them;
In His love and in His mercy He redeemed them,
And He lifted them and carried them all the days of old. Isaiah 63:9


As a Christian, what does Karma mean? After experiencing some things, which have basically hurt my feelings, I finally brought it to God (I hope to remember to do that sooner.), and he reminded me of the times I have done the very thing that someone was doing to me. It made me reevaluate how I treat people. Taking the time to really listen and hear what others have to say is a great way to acquire wisdom, which is something I’ve been asking for. My recent experience was an answer to prayer. God created community with each person unique for a reason.

Often those who are overlooked are the very ones we need to hear. Sometimes we have to take a little extra time to talk with them and get them to open up. I’ve experienced this with my father. I’m always so busy and have an aversion to the phone. He has never used a computer in his life and is not about to start now – no email, texting and definitely no Facebook. This has made it hard for us to connect. I decided to make the effort a few months ago and out of the blue he let me know he dreams amazing dreams and knows he is in a dream – lucid dreaming. He has written down over 60 of them. When we went to visit last month and I took pictures of them to bring back with me. They are amazing. He has a lot of times on his hands and his prayer life is incredible. This is an easy example. Of course our parents are a wealth of knowledge and wisdom.

My daughter’s good friend Ysabel is amazing. She is funny and engaging, inherited it from her parents, and we love her. She has been through so much in her life. She is often overlooked as she is special needs. People see a wheel chair and they look right over her. If a person takes the time to get to know her and hear what she has to say, they will be the better for it. They will discover they are the lucky ones, who she has deemed worthy to talk  and share with.

When I was in my twenties, I strove to fit in. I was a single parent with two children by the time I was eighteen. I had nothing in common with those my age and the older crowd didn’t always welcome me in. I would find the group I wanted to be a part of, the cool crowd, and work my butt off to become friends with them. It was exhausting. As I’ve gotten older and married, the desire to fit in has diminished. I have a built in best friend who gets me, but Jesus wants me to go deeper.

Not only does he want me to quit striving to fit in, he wants me to seek out the other people, like me, who also don’t fit in. Who did Jesus eat and hang out with? He is telling me, part of the wisdom and knowledge I seek can be found in those who he created in His image. Those who are loved and honored by God, but not always by His people.

You Know Me – Bethel Music



Being Strong

Being strong to me meant being self-sufficent. It meant not relying on anyone or anything. It meant keeping people out and not letting them hurt me. This is what I was taught as a child. Cynicism was rewarded and crying was seen as weak. You were made fun of for showing a soft heart. So I learned to suck in the tears and put on this tough persona. However, it was always a struggle because my DNA, how I’m made, is to love and have a soft heart. What I was doing for self preservation went against my core. So I was and still am at odds with myself. My gut reaction is to not show emotion and keep it inside, but my spirit shouts against that. The only time I cry is when I’m being used by the Spirit. I always blamed my tears on the Spirit as if crying wasn’t my natural self. God has been showing me the reason tears flow during these times is because this is when I’m being my true self.  This is when my spirit can be free.

Okay, some of the persona is real. I love heavy metal music, especially Christian heavy metal music so I can enjoy singing with it. I love the thrill of going down that first huge hill of a roller coaster. I’m not afraid of speaking to a group of big “scary” looking guys. I enjoy movies like transformers and other shootem up movies. I’ve always been a bit of a tom boy. But those loves are not at odds with a soft heart.

God showed me this didn’t just extend to the world. Intimacy with God terrifies me. I feel like a flipped turtle if I open up too much and I try desperately to flip myself back over so I can keep an acceptable distance between me and God. He is the one who can do the most damage to my heart if he chose. I hear the collective gasp, but it’s true. I’ve always depended on him, but if I truly give him my heart, his response could be devastating. What if he rejects me. That would kill me. What if he takes a look and says, “hmm” and moves on.

You may say, “How can you think he would do that.” Just a gut reaction to growing up how I did. I don’t think I’m the only one who feels that way. I didn’t know that was how I felt. I was just asking God why I only get so close and then back off. This is what he showed me.

The new definition of strong for me is exposing my heart to the creator of the universe and allowing him to do the work he wants. And maybe finding out the work he wants to do is to love me.


Mercy Triumphs over Judgement

This is in response to some posts I’ve been seeing about those who will not apologize. This hurts my spirit. I’m guessing because it hurts the Holy Spirit who resides in each of us who call themselves Christ followers.

“…the greatest of these is love.” I Cor. 13:13

I apologize for those who loved you less because you were gay.

I apologize for those who called themselves Christians, who not only disrespected your beliefs, but also loved you less because of them.

I apologize for living in white privilege without speaking out.

I apologize to those who have lost family members to guns.

I apologize for those who think they have not discriminated, but do so everyday without even knowing it.

Jesus sacrificed (apologized) to the Father for all the sins that would ever exist even though he committed none of them. He apologized to the Father for all the hate crimes committed to any race for any reason even those committed in His name.

I John 2:1 “My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father–Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.”

James 2:13 “…mercy triumphs over judgement.”

On that note, this video is amazing. Mercy Triumphs over Judgement Song

We Were Made for Love

I was taught loving myself was bad. You can love others and you have to love God, but never yourself. When I was ten, I moved in with my mother. I was then basically an only child. A few years later, my mother was divorced and it was just her and I. There began to be a role reversal. I was the one who house hunted when we needed to move. At twelve, I would call the landlord, get all the info and then when it sounded good, have them talk to my mother. I began to feel the thing called entitlement that we bemoan of the younger generation. I thought about this. Those my age are constantly speaking of this next generation as entitled. I use to think this meant they loved themselves too much, but that’s not the case.

I began to think about it. This is a generalization, but this generation and even my generation to some degree have been:

Spoiled but rejected

Privileged but unloved

Sexy but filled with self-hate

Loving ones self is not about having the latest brands or being selfish. It is looking in the mirror and seeing yourself a little lower than the angels. (Ps. 8:5, NIVHeb. 2:7). It is realizing the Creator, God, died for you. It is behaving in the knowledge, you are royalty.

I began to think about how I could show love for myself. I came up with a very short list, but I think it says a lot.

1. Taking time for myself. I’m worth loving. (Jesus thought so.)

2. Loving my body. Asking myself before making a choice, “Is this loving my body? Is this letting myself live instead of burying in escapism through food and mind numbing activities?”

3. Is this activity reflecting the breath of God in me? (Gen. 2:7)  Am I truly living?

We were made for Love.

Love this song. I’m a Lover of Your Presence song by Kim Walker.

Getting back into the Saddle

I need to write something for the Writer’s Digest Contest in May. I think I want to write something from my life in the inspirational category, but I’m not sure. I’ve always wanted to write stories, but my life has not lent itself to a lot of free time to do that. I think I’ve used that as an excuse though, because I’m afraid. I think it’s time to come out of that fear and get moving.

What did I learn from my experiences with how Matt and I got together, the death of our first child and the subsequent beautiful child, Pearl, that the Lord blessed us with? I learned that forgiveness is easily received from Jesus, but not without the high cost of His death on the cross. I learned that Love covers a multitude of sins. I learned that His ways are higher than our ways. When our baby died, that could have torn Matt and I apart, but instead we became even closer as we navigated our healing from that loss. We allowed each other the time to mourn in our own way. We talked to each other and didn’t hide our feelings. That was a big step for me because I almost alway internalize my feelings. I accepted that even though Matt didn’t have a child inside of him, he still felt the loss just as keenly. It helped that he was with me each step of the way and was with me in the room when we saw the baby inside me without a heart beat. That is what I really love about Matt is he always wants us to be together in work and play. That has always been his goal and I know God will honor him someday with his dream of us working together in our own business. Matt is my dreamer and I love him for that.

I learned that God can give you something beautiful out of the ashes of a great loss. I can’t imagine life without Pearl. God’s ways are perfect and past finding out.

Well this has been a rambling post, but I just needed to get back into the habit of writing on my blog again. After today, I will be working on my Writer’s Digest submission. I have to read the rules to see if it can be posted on my blog first or not. If not, I’ll still write on my blog. Maybe I’ll try my hand at poetry again.

What Love is this…

What is it that we have

that as adults we are all Happy?

A super natural Father.

Our mother in need   gave us what she could

Massive Hemoraging   not enough

Our earthly father     dead to love     burned up

What love could fix us?

A Heavenly man stepped down from above

heavy footprints of Love

showing us the way ou  T.

Sin brought death, brought life and death again.

Sweet rest and Peace

Destroyer loses.

The King has won.

This battle over.

A new one has begun.