Love and Peace to You

I don’t want others to feel alone, so I want to write how I’ve dealt with the things thrown at us this year, and the emotions I’ve had. The week before California went into lockdown, I had an assignment from a pastoral resident class that the staff (I work for a church) can sit in on for free. As staff, we are not graded, but it’s good to do the work to get the most out of the class. I was supposed to find a place for about four to eight hours to spend with God without interruption.

The more I thought about how to spend this day; I got the sense I was supposed to spend time with God while enjoying a day alone doing whatever I wanted. That seemed selfish, but it was a strong sense that I was to enjoy God by enjoying my favorite things. Now you should know that I can’t remember taking most of the day just for me since I was a young teen. So it’s been about 34 years. I took the day to go to the museum (A gift from my father and mother-in-law). I paid too much for a soda and snack and sat in the outdoor court, soaking in the sun. I felt the sugary, fizzy, orange soda slide down my throat. I watched the birds and squirrels jump, fly, and scurry around the patio. I wrote down how I felt and listened to what God would say to me.

I then meandered around the museum, viewing the obscure things that my family or friends wouldn’t have had the patience for. I went outside and enjoyed the view of the Golden Gate Bridge and the bay. I watched a painter for about 15 minutes. He moved his paintbrush here and there, lined it up with the bridge, looked at his colors but never got around to painting. I heard the lesson in that in my spirit.

I went to a Vietnamese restaurant and got some Pho. I went home and ate it while watching a show I like to watch. All of this alone as my husband and daughter were at work and school. I then took a walk, came back, and watched more TV. I wrote a little more. And that was it. It was such a good day.

A week later, COVID-19 grew out of control, and California shut down. I had no idea that would happen, but God did. The knowledge that God loved me so much to impress on me to take a day to myself and enjoy what I would not fully enjoy for the next six months and counting has sustained me.

With that being said, I have gone through bouts of depression and grief. I was unable to go to Michigan and see my children and grandchildren this summer. It was so hard. I have gone through feelings of guilt for having a job where I can work from home, not having to go out of my house except to grocery shop–knowing that there are those who are losing everything. There are those who have to go to work to provide food or heal the rest of us.

I have gained and lost weight. I have used this time to read good books and work out on my treadmill. I have dove deep into escapism eating chips while binge-watching Netflix (Tiger King, yep I watched it). Being an introvert, I have had times of building the wall around myself even higher, retreating further into my own psyche.

I have spent time reading the Bible, reading a verse or chapter that has caused me to blink, look around, and step a little more back into the world. I’ve read books that helped me see how I, using the gifts God has given me, can be used to build for the Kingdom of God. In some mysterious way, this build is eternal.

To sum it up, I have experienced grief, guilt, depression, isolation, freedom, joy, and wonder. But that day, the day God gave me, makes me smile and gives me peace when I let it. That day makes me wonder at his mercy and love. I hope there is a special moment that God has given you. A moment when you know you heard his voice clearly, a time you felt his presence or witnessed a miracle that you can draw hope and faith from. I pray the Spirit gives you a moment like this even now during the pandemic, fires (I live in California), and whatever else you may be going through where you live.

Love and Peace to you.


You Sit With Me

There is a piece of me that is hidden. So hidden, in fact, that I don’t know how to find it. I hid it to protect it as a child since no one was protecting me. No one cared to make sure I was secure, so I secured myself.

What was once a safe place has become a prison. I want to release it to you, Lord, but I don’t know how to find it. There is a piece of me, which would connect with You much deeper than the part of me you see, but I don’t know how to find it. It is the pure, truly human part of me, the image of you that you breathed into me. It is buried alive within me. Only you, Lord, can resurrect it. The piece of me that can truly connect with you. Only you can find it. I need to be still, to not cringe in fear of being seen by you. I need to be quiet and allow your Spirit to seek and find me – the real me. Bring shalom to my core, restoration to who I was created to be. Find the pure, created piece of me buried deep. Spirit connect with my spirit and bring forth who I was created to be. Break the lies that are holding the doors closed, release the truth to set me free.

Even while that piece of me is hidden and buried, you meet me in my prison. You talk to me and give me hope while the Spirit breaks each chain, removes each wall, working to free me. You sit with me.


God is taking me through a faith building time. He is encouraging me to ask for what I need instead of worry about it. We all know this is harder than it sounds. He is also showing me his mercy. In the past I’ve made a mistake and then felt I had to deal with the consequences, but lately he’s been showing me to expect mercy. Not to purposefully do something bad and then look for the mercy, but to not be so hard on myself as I grow and learn through my weaknesses. He is helping me in my areas of weaknesses and he is so merciful in the learning and maturing. One weakness I have is anxiety instead of peace. Some people think I’m a very peaceful person and I think that is my true identity in Christ. But through genetics and life circumstances, I have to fight anxiety every day. A strong imagination with a negative slant does not help matters. So over the last six months, I’ve been concentrating on giving my anxiety to Him, silencing the “what if” questions in my mind and making sure I’m staying positive – mentally placing myself in the Father’s arms.

I may have blogged about this instance in an earlier post, but I remember one time I fainted while in school and the principal carried me out to my step-mom’s car. I was about ten. It was the most amazing experience. I had never felt safe and secure before this event and even though it only lasted about five minutes, it stayed with me my whole life. I’ve been bringing that image back to my mind when I’m anxious. It helps remind me of the truth; which is, I am safe in my Father’s arms. I love this song. I’ve tasted the riches of God. What other King leaves his glory to die? This is Amazing Grace by Jeremy Riddle


“God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19

I let fear get in my way this week. I wanted something and worried about it so badly, I caused myself bodily harm with the stress of not giving it over to God. I started collapsing into my own little world of worry, doubt and fear instead of resting in His promises.

Why are you depressed, O my soul? Why are you upset? Wait for God! For I will again give thanks to my God for his saving intervention. Ps. 42:5, Netbible

I again reverted to my gut reaction, which is, “No one will be there for me. I am alone. I am the only person who will take care of me.”

Yesterday morning I woke up to a huge rainbow in the sky. Anyone from California understands how rare rainbows are without rain. There must of been some kind of moisture because the rainbow was beautiful. I was so caught up in my mind with worry, that I didn’t see the significance. It took most of the day to remember the rainbow – I’m not alone.

God is not like my human parents, who because they were wounded themselves, wounded me. He is not going to leave me alone when I need him most. He wants to know us and he wants us to know him.

Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” John 17:3

He died so we could enter into the Godhead directly. He died so we would never have to be alone again. He died and was resurrected to give us full access to his glory.

I had forgotten all of this during the week. I’m so thankful he reminded me and took the time to speak to me. I have peace again. God is such a lover of our souls. I’m overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave

Peace is There. Don’t Give up.

Today, I went for a walk with my friend. I went to Trader Joe’s (I can’t eat food without Cowboy Caviar), Kohl’s,  a gas station and a donut shop (happy Doughnut Day). I made sure my daughter did her schoolwork and I took her to rehearsal. I did some work and started dinner. These are all everyday things, but something was different today.

I told my husband something felt different. I told him I didn’t know what it was, but it felt nice. I then realized the humming was gone. All my life there has been this buzzing or humming in my body. I have a hard time sitting still. I always need to do something. Even the thought of sitting quietly and meditating can drive me crazy. Today the hum is gone and I realize what I am feeling is peace. Peace and Quiet.

I’ve been struggling with this whole eating addiction/escapism for the last month or so. I feel like I have gone backwards, but at the same time, when I lift my head from whatever escape route I am taking (Yahoo news, Facebook, reading anything at all), the Presence is there – in a big way. The Presence is the Holy Spirit.

It is like he is contending for me. He’s willing to compete with all the distractions. He is pursuing me. The Creator of the Universe is pursuing, me! I don’t even know how to take that. Right now, I’m just sitting here, writing my blog and there is peace and the Presence.

A couple months ago as I was drifting to sleep, God showed me a secret place where I can meet with him in my mind. It is a room full of drapery the color of the green ocean. I can walk through it and talk to God there. It feels like God is walking in the garden in the cool of the day to come visit me. It’s like the DC Talk Song Mind’s Eye. It is amazing.

I was in a coffee house the other day with three other women. We were catching up. I started hearing the condemning voice in my mind from my childhood. All of a sudden, in my mind, I was transported to what I think was the throne room of God. I couldn’t see anything around me really, but this emerald lake or river. I could walk on top of it. It splashed a little as I walked. I was wearing a robe or dress with long sleeves like royalty. Every step I took was powerful and full of authority. I believe I was seeing myself as God sees me. I have added this as another place to visit with God.

All this to say, it may seem like we are not moving at all in our walk with God or we are moving at a very slow pace. But each small step, each reaching out even the tiniest bit to God, can have such amazing results.

Don’t give up. You have grown more than you know and God is right there reaching his hand out to pull you even further towards Him and his glory.