Bipolar Christianity

Someone in my family was talking to me about how they hate when they go from a spiritual peak to a dark valley. They are pursuing God one minute and then it tapers off and they go back to pursuing escapism.

I have often felt that way. I have also wondered why. I woke up this morning instantly thinking about how crazy it was to live in escapism, just waiting to die, when I have access to Jesus all the time. Why would I choose escapism? It didn’t make sense. It seemed to me that it was like being in a magic spell. It was a twisted sense of reality. I was led to a book I’ve had for a while, but hadn’t read much of. It was talking about making yourself vulnerable to God instead of fear. I prayed about why I made myself vulnerable to escapism instead of God. It came to me by my repeating the word vulnerable.

If I make myself vulnerable to God, it opens the door for him to reject me. It makes abandonment by God a possibility. I have learned, growing up, that those closest to you will hurt and abandon you. If I become too close to God, he will do the same thing. He can only keep up the pretense of liking me for so long.

Sounds crazy, but it is an actual subconscious thought pattern God showed me I had. I have to be brave and allow myself to be vulnerable to God. I have to trust him everyday so he can show me everyday that he’s trustworthy. He wants to show me everyday. He never gets tired of showing me he is not of this world. His ways are higher than ours. I Need You More


I Don’t Like Safety Nets.

Hi all,

I haven’t posted in a while, because I haven’t had anything profound to share, plus I’ve been on a little downward spiral in the midst of God showing up, which is confusing. I’m still not in the profound arena, but wanted to share what has been going on.

My husband finished school and now has a MFA in Motion Pictures and Television. Yea! He obtained a job before he was even done with school. He works from home and makes enough to pay for rent and a few other things. Yea! I got hired in at my job full-time with benefits and work part-time from home. Yea! Okay, all good things here. God has blessed us beyond our wildest dreams. So what’s the problem?

I have found myself emotionally eating and reading, which I know is very bad for me and a sin for me. I have found myself hiding into books, which isn’t so bad if it’s a chapter or two, but that isn’t the case for me. What is going on?

My husband has a large amount of financial aid debt coming due in November. I know some of it will be reduce based on income, but not all of it. I have been hiding because I don’t want to face it. I was asking God what my problem was with the eating and the hiding from life when he is clearly blessing us. He came back at me with a question:

“Why do you think I’ll abandon you?”

It made me think. I live my life as a dichotomy. I don’t like safety nets, but I am always fighting a lack of trust in God. He always comes through. When we moved to California, we took our tax refund, packed up whatever belongings could fit into a 6X6X9 pod and moved out here. Even selling the house was all God. When we came out here, we had enough money for a room to rent for a week and a half. We needed to find an apartment and a job within that week and a half. Within three days, God provided a job and an apartment on the very last day. No safety nets.

This whole last seven years has been my husband going to school for his bachelor’s and master’s degree on mostly college loans. There has been no safety net on if Matt will get a good enough job to pay back the loans. So this one thing, provision, is what is putting me into hiding. God has always been there for me since I was a child. I have always talked to him and he has always come through, which I think encourages me to dislike safety nets or maybe think of God as my safety net. But there is something that still wonders if this time he will be there or if he will just watch me fall.

I know that is wrong thinking. I know he will be there to provide as he is already doing. Matt has a job in both animation and editing, which is what he went to school for. He is able to stay home, which is what he has always dreamed of. We have this beautiful view of the ocean that I never dreamed was possible – for a price no one would believe. We live in such a gorgeous and fun state, where we can just step outside our door and minister to the nations.

So now that I know the problem is a lack of trust. I am going to concentrating on enjoying the ride/journey God has me on. I’m going to watch him provide. He knows I love that feeling of going over that first big hill of the roller coaster, where all you can do is scream your guts out as you fall 200 feet. He knows me and his will for me better than I do and He is good.

Get ready to dance! You are Good by Brian Johnson

Ps. 136 is amazing!

Part II in this discussion with God coming soon – Surrendering. 

Am I Bipolar?

Am I bipolar?

I seriously asked myself this question. It is in my family. It would not be unheard of. The reason for this question is my stop and go motion in my walk with God and towards emotional and spiritual maturity. I get a revelation and I go forth with a burst of speed. Then things tend to wind down and I fall back into some old ways.

I prayed about it and asked God if I was bipolar. I listened to what He had to say. I knew he wouldn’t pull any punches with me as he never has in the past. I believe bipolar is a real  medical condition and not demonic or something a person just has to get over.

I felt like he told me I am not bipolar. What happens is I let my gut reaction take control. My gut reaction is abandonment. I feel I will be abandon by Him eventually because he will finally see me for who I am.  He will give up on me since I’m not changing fast enough. I give up hope.

Hope is necessary for just about anything. Why work on wholeness if there is no hope of it ever happening. I googled hope and two definitions came up. 1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. 2. (archaic) a feeling of trust.

If I don’t have the expectation that I can and will become whole, I won’t. I also saw that my lack of hope is a lack of trust. Hebrews 11 and 12 are such awesome chapters on hope and trust. Jesus said he would never leave me or forsake me. I have nothing to fear. But do I believe that? Do I believe he is good?

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”(Mark 9:24)

This is an amazing song I like to listen to when I tire of my questions. When I just need to be still: We will not be Shaken by Bethel Music