Here is my list of what’s not working anymore:
Eating while reading or watching a screen
Deciding my worth based on my dress size
Hiding – from everyone
Is it peri-menopause or is it just time to grow up? My dad is dead and my mother is losing the battle for her mind. Me and my siblings are the older generation now as our children are having children. It is time to walk in the way of the King.
I didn’t want to post today. Today is not going well. I did not get a good nights sleep. I’m not feeling the best and I’m escaping with food and reading news on the internet. (Escapism for me is another post altogether, maybe a few posts.)
That being said, I know it’s important to be honest. It’s important to be real. I like to think I’m a real person without a facade, but I know everyone has a facade even in writing. I’m striving to put mine down.
Here are a few songs that I love when I’m down. For the Christian Heavy Metal fans: Top Of The Mountain by Bloodgood
For others: Take My Life by Third Day
These two songs just make me feel lighter. I have hope and I begin to trust the process. I hope the songs lift others out there who are feeling down and need a little lift.
I stepped on the scale today as I do every morning (when I care) and the scale said 156.2. I did good yesterday. I went to bed hungry, but feeling good about how I did great with my eating only to wake up to a 2 oz weight gain. It almost sent me off the rails. Thoughts ran through my head like, “How about I just stop eating. Maybe then I can lose some weight.” or “I know, I’ll only eat protein and lettuce from now on.” I ate exactly 4 oz of premium low sodium roast beef and a few squares of very dark chocolate and went on my walk. While walking, I started thinking, it’s amazing how the number on the scale can influence everything about my day. It decides who I talk to. It decides if I go to a new women’s group. It decides how affectionate I am towards my husband. It decides if I look people in the eye and say hello as I pass them on my morning walk. If I had gotten on the scale and it said anything below 156, I would have been a different person. I then heard God say, “You are not a number on a scale.” I thought about that for a while and I finally agreed. I thought about who I really am. My first thoughts were, I’m a mother, wife, student and have multiple jobs outside the house. I have gifts from God that he has allowed me to use to further his kingdom (I hope). But that really just says what I do. Who am I? I turned to who else, but Joyce Meyer to tell me. Yes I’m kidding, kind of. She has a webpage entitled Knowing Who I Am in Christ. It is awesome. One of the line items on this page caught my eye. “I have received the gift of righteousness and reign as a king in life by Jesus Christ (Romans 5:17 NIV).” I had to look this up to make sure this is what was being said. I reign as a King. Later today, I saw a picture in my head of me in a very small area. There were walls all around me, but I couldn’t see them due to a facade that covered them. My eyes were opened. I saw the walls and I started trying to climb them. The facade fell down and I saw someone standing on the walls. He reached his hand down and pulled me up on top. I made it just in time to watch a magnificent sunrise over the ocean. I felt like my life was just starting.
*disclaimer, I know I live on the west coast and a sunrise over the ocean is impossible, but God works in the impossible. 🙂
I decided to lead with the above title just to put it out there. When you look at me, you might see someone who is a little overweight. My doctor looks at me and says, “If you lost 15 pounds that would make a world of difference.” She’s right of course. With a family history of early death due to heart problems and diabetes, I need to make sure my weight is where it should be. I have lost weight and gained it back and then some, I don’t know how many times. I may be only 30 or 40 lbs overweight, but it is affecting my ministry, relationships and my faith. If you are sitting here reading this and tell me to “Stop it! Stop eating!” Just like my favorite comedian Bob Newhart, I understand. I am actually laughing just thinking about it.
What God has been calling me to is perseverance. We can’t fail until we stop trying to succeed. “Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.”- Confucius
I am learning to keep trying and to not let depression and shame take root when I fail. Food addictions are one of the hardest addictions to overcome. We can’t quit cold turkey or we die. If we eat too much, we die. So the key to overcoming food addiction is moderation. Taking a little of our addiction and then telling ourselves no even though every other part of us says yes.
Today, I’m back on the band wagon. I’m taking that first step in spiritual warfare. My first step in obedience to God.
“Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible (p. 132).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
I am believing my acts of simple obedience will compound on each other. I said simple, not easy.