Today I said the statement, “Surrendering to anything or anyone including God is like being in a box of tarantulas.”

That seemed to shock people at my church table. Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way, but I doubt it. I think maybe I’m the only one who will admit it.

I can even psychoanalysis myself and tell you why. Growing up and even as an adult, people in authority have not had my best interest at heart. There has been much abandonment and neglect.

It’s only recently I realized that even my sleep is affected by this fear of surrendering. I am a lucid dreamer (look it up, it’s a thing). However, as soon as I realize I’m dreaming, I wake myself up. This is a terrifying ordeal. It feels like I’m going to die and my husband always shakes me awake as I struggle in my sleep to wake up. I found out there is a name for this called sleep paralysis. I can’t move, but I feel awake. Guess what one of the cures for this is? Surrendering to it. What!? Ugh.

At least two people have said to me in the last few weeks, “Maybe you need to pray and talk to God about this.” Both times I blew them off, but I think maybe God wants to work on this fear of surrender.

Maybe now is the time to find freedom in surrender and learn that God is not a human who lies (Num. 23), but is the one who said, “Never will I leave you…” (Heb. 13:5). Maybe it’s time I find out if he meant it.